pvr2006

2006 SBL PRESEASON PLAYER VALUE RANKINGS
once again, we here at the dot.com are proud to tell you how good you are right now based on a ridiculous set of numbers formulated and tabulated by someone who spends way too much time at the bar.

need proof this thing works? the number one ranked preseason player won the player of the year trophy last season.
need proof it doesn't? jared clayton was ranked 37 spots ahead of jeff knight last season.
anyway, here's the breakdown:

players are given a value, 1 being the lowest, in a number of different categories:
- reliability (1-10): will this person actually be at baseketball each sunday over the summer, or are they esenwein?
- hitting (1-5 each for 1b, 2b, 3b, jacks): for a possible total of 20. in our sport, runs are scored by teams who don't suck in this category.
- glasswork (1-5): defense comes in handy, especially if you score low in the above category.
- the psyche-out (1-5): you get 2 points for trying. at least try. that's what makes it fun.
- dumb things (-1, -2): if you're really prone, you lose 2 points. if you recorded more than 2 last year, you get one taken away.
- bonus points (1-5) do you bring something extra to the table? a home court, the ability to dominate a statistical category or take over a game? have you won a couple championships? do you have some stroke with the league?

(i'll do the math for you, there's a possible total of 45).
now grab a fork and dig in.

THE TOP 36

1) NATE TOMKO (43)- not surprisingly, nate tomko once again tops the list. sure, he's probably way to confident in his own abilities, especially now that he's so old he is rarely able to maintain an erection long enough to please his woman. but he is the reigning player of the year, and he does own more sbl bling than even terry "black" hall, so we'll just keep him here 'till someone bumps him off.
2) TERRY SHERNISKY (40.5)- and sherry may just be the one to claim that top spot by seasons end. the new heir apparant to the sbl throne (sorry esenwein and frankovich, neither of you got it done) has a sick game, perhaps even eclipsing that of the guy sitting at number one. he's taller, shoots better, gets to fuck aryn christman, and it seems inevitable that he'll be the best player in the league eventually.
3) BRYAN FRANKOVICH (37)- at some point, we have to question how good someone is if they can't win the big one. for all his skill, bryan has neither come close to an sbl world title or a player of the year trophy. in addition, he keeps sliding down on this player ranking thing. maybe this is the season b.frank finally removes his head from his own ass, avoids being the second coming of billy weisberg, and starts playing up to his own abilities.
4) JON BIDDLE (36.5)- come to think of it, biddle's been around for a pretty long time without winning anything, either. isn't it about time to step up, and AT LEAST BE BETTER THAN BRYAN FRANKOVICH, YOU SEVEN-FOOT FUCKING' FREAK?
5) MIKEY MOROCO (36)- though he may not get the cred of the rest of the studs up near the top of this list, mikey chang just keeps getting better. up three spots from last year, and in danger of actually earning some respect in our little league, moroco is coming off his finest season to date. an extremely solid all-around player with no real flaws in his game, mikey could be a player of the year darkhorse.
6) BILLY WEISBERG (35.5)- as the younger generation continues to move up in the rankings, someone has to slip out to make room. at 27 years old, and likely in the twilight of his baseketball career, weisberg fills that void. after winning his first and only world championship in 2005, one has to wonder what, if anything, will motivate mr. nice-guy this time around.
7) JEFF KNIGHT (35)- the second-best rookie campaign ever belonged to jeff in 2005, but thanks to one terry shernisky, jeff has nothing to show for it but a webpage full of stats. up a whopping 40 spots from last years preseason rankings, jeff has all of the tools to both be a player of the year finalist and make babies.
    JON OLSAVSKY (35)- still a very good all-around player, jon is just no longer the baseketball force he once was. after 6 seasons, olsavsky just doesn't seem as interested as he used to be, and now regularly misses games (and shots and psyche outs) he would have nailed three years ago. hopefully the hall-of-famer will regain his form this season and go out in style.
9) BEN SMITH (34.5)- in 2005, ben smith went to great pains to construct a team that best suited his style. the plan worked almost to perfection, as mr. smith came within a hair of both the player of the year trophy and a world title. he may not have the raw talent of the some of the other guys in the top ten, but if he lands in the right environment again, look for another stellar season from the hairy bavarian.
10) MATT MCCLELLAND (34)- mac has to be running out of college classes to take, and eventually he's going to have to actually move away from the shenangahela in search of work, much like the steelworkers did a generation ago. (though who knows if the unemployed millrats would have left had the most bitchin' baseketball league alive been around in their day)   anyway, there's a good chance this will either be a mac-less year or a partially mac-less year. either way, it's enough to keep the former player of the year barely clinging to life in the top 10. tho if he doesn't give the player of the year trophy back soon, we may knock him down below lee.
11) PAT LACKEY (33.5) unlike last season, when lackey was unsure of his summer plans, the featherhaired one seems pretty confident he'll be partaking in baseketball pie this year. if that is the case, the ever-improving plack will be looking to regain his all-star form, and possibly try to go a full season without ending up face-down in a waste receptacle.
12) KATIE KELLY (33)- up one spot from last year, miss kelly will be continuing her quest out of shelley goodpastor's shadow this year. not quite the shooter, but a much better defender, katie has distanced herself from the rest of the vagina'd sblers as shelley's main competition. her sick love triangle with shernisky & christman and sketchy personality aside, katie is a phenomenal player and an all-star in the making.
13) RANDO KNIGHT (32)- now that we don't have to lie about rando's whereabouts this summer, he can be given his just due in the preseason p.v.r.'s. after locking up his first sbl championship last season and given his recent induction into the sbl hall of fame, the big guy looks as if he's turned the corner from lovebale loser to real sbl force. and with pj & the ladies seemingly going out on last august's high note, rando may have no temptation to do anything but win.
14) ARYN CHRISTMAN (31.5)- how can you not be around when your team is playing for the sbl championship? i'll tell you, that can take your "reliability" marks down real quick.
15) BEN ELLIOTT (31)- fresh off an all-star appearance that did a little to make up for a devestating coaching debut, big whitey has to be given some credit for overcoming the near career-ending injury he sustained in 2004. with another 12 months of rehab under his large-buckled belt, we may be in for a few surprises from elliott in '06.
      DENNIS LACKEY (31)- a strong season by brother greg in 2005 dropped dlack back into the dreaded "worst lackey" slot all lackey's strive to avoid. this preseason sees dennis back in the middle of the pack, because frankly we here at sbl headquarters have to see greg do it one more time before we actually consider him better than the human psyche-out machine. should dennis return to his 2004 player of the year-finalist form, this #15 ranking will seem quite foolish in august.
17) SHELLEY GOODPASTOR (30.5)- the disheartening news that miss goodpastor will be in ft. lauderdale this summer interning instead of dropping triples like a ho possessed knocks her from a probable number three spot all the way down here with the feather-heaired lackey's of the world.
18) PHILLIP JOHN NESPOR (30)- what are the chances that the soon-to-be-wed nespor makes the drive up from zelienople every sunday now that his baby, the ladies, are a thing of the past? not too good. however, there's a good chance he'll drive up on saturday nights to get blasted while his woman decides on a cake, then spend the nite in town so all he has to do is wake up and drag his hungover ass to the sbl venue to see some action.
19) GREG LACKEY (29.5)- like i said before, i'm not convinced until he does it again. this kid's not really a top-ten talent, is he?
20) KIP CORBETT (29)- apparantly back in sharon for this summer, we might see the walkoff homer-nailing, ho-slapping, tanning-bed goin' skippy of old. though season 3 got the tagline, this year could actually be "kippy's revenge".
        BILLY PICCIOTTO (29)- picc is an enigma. we really have no clue whether he'll be at 20 baseketball games or 2, and whether he'll bat .600 or .250. i guess right smack in the middle of the list is a good spot for him then.

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