pvr2005

2005 SHENANGAHELA BASEKETBALL LEAGUE PRESEASON PLAYER VALUE RANKINGS
by using a complex b.c.s.-style formula that was devised by sbl president tomko in the shower a little over a year ago, we here at the dot com are pleased to present to you, the dozens of baseketballaholics out there, the 2005 preseason player rankings.

"but mysterious writer," you're thinking "what is this crazy formula of which you speak?"
it's quite simple!

players are given a value, 1 being the lowest, in a number of different categories:
- reliability (1-10): will he/she be there? cause it doesn't do sweet players any good to be somewhere else on sundays
- hitting (1-5 each for 1b, 2b, 3b, dingers): for a possible total of 20. after all, you can't win if you can't hit
- glasswork (1-5): in the sbl, defenses don't win championships, but they help. besides double plays, this category includes assists and attempts to break up d.p.'s.
- the psyche-out (1-5): you get 2 points for trying. at least try.
- dumb things (-1, -2): if you're really prone, you lose 2 points. if you recorded more than 2 last year, you get one taken away.
- bonus points/intangibles (1-5) do you bring something extra to the table? a home court, the ability to dominate a statistical category or take over a game? have you won a couple championships? do you have some stroke with the league?

(i'll do the math for you, there's a possible total of 45)

see? you can't argue with the cold, hard numbers.

and as always, bias is included, free of charge. have at 'em.

THE TOP 50

1) NATE TOMKO (41)- oh my! what a shock! what, you don't think he should be at number 1? come knock him off.
2) JON OLSAVSKY (39)- what, you don't think he should be at number 2? he's almost never missed a week, he can hit from anywhere, he's a monster in the paint, he can record psyche-outs with the best of 'em, and he's got a player of the year trophy and 2 world championships under his belt. and this season, there's no doubt about where he'll be on opening day.
3) JON BIDDLE (35.5)- we're gonna give him a break and not mention that's he one of the streakiest shooter in the league. the reason he's here is because he's the most dominant defensive presence alive (96 double plays lst season), and he's more than capable of hitting .500 every single week. he's got two years of baseketball experience now, and if it's possible, should do nothing but improve on his player of the year finalist season of a year ago.
4) BRYAN FRANKOVICH (35)- last season, bryan put up one of the finest all-around seasons ever. he placed in the top 6 of every major statistical category and, besides being a player of the year finalist, led his team to a stunning berth in the sbl world championship. at 16 years of age, bryan's potential is limitless, and if he continue to improve at the same rate he has over the past 18 months, he may well be the one to hoist the ernest come season's end.
    DANK ELLY (35)- after an impressive first campaign earned him the rookie of the year hardware, dank seems poised to follow in the footsteps of the previous winners of the tark trophy, both of whom became player of the year finalists in their second seasons. a solid defender with the ability to knock down all 12 shots, the only crack on dank could be his liability when it comes to the sbl substance abuse policy.
6) BILLY WEISBERG (34.5)- an sbl original who will soon be punching his hall of fame ticket, weisberg is still one of the best in the business. while many would argue he's yet to play up to his full potential, his performances over the years can hardly be scoffed at, a thought that's troubling of he has indeed been sandbagging it. billy's best statistical season so far came in 2004, proving that he, unlike pussy, may get better with age.
7) DENNIS LACKEY (34)- leaping up 29 places from his position in the 2004 preseason player rankings is dennis lackey, who came out of nowhere to blow away the sbl last season. shattering the old psyche-out mark with a record 18, lackey also became on of the best hitters in the league, knocking in 70 rbi and 10 homers while hitting .430 on his way to his first all-star game. if lackey can somehow reharness his magic from last season, or god forbid outdo himself once again, he's a legitimate contender for the ernest.
8) MIKEY MOROCO (33.5)- while teamates frankovich, lackey and mckendry got all the dap, mikey chang continued to impress as a rather billy weisberg-esque superstar; putting up huge stats without making much noise. by putting up personal bests in homers (8), average (.558), rbi (41) and double plays (12), moroco earned himself his first all-star nod, and showed he can hang with the big boys by banging the game-winning grand slam and notching m.v.p. honors in the contest.
9) SHELLEY GOODPASTOR (33)- for the third straight season, goodpastor finished second in the average category, which alone would be enough to crack the top ten. last year, however, shelley showed she's more than just a one-trick pony when she took a sunday afternoon in july to totally blow away the previous single game records for homers (she's got 8) and runs batted in (19). in addition, shellety saw quite a bit of action defensively last seaosn, and proved that she could more than hold her own in a role beyond extra hitter. i'll say it again: she's the best pure hitter in baseketball.
   MATT MCCLELLAND (33)- the reigning sbl player of the year slips to a tie for ninth based solely on his reliability. a year removed from leading his double bluffs to the best season ever, mac's now got one more college degree than he had at this time last year, a document which may force him south in the summer to look for work. but if i know matt, which i think i do, he'll be lacing up the basketball kicks for at least one final summer before heading out to the real world. if he does come, the 4-tool stud is one of the best hitters available.
11) JARED CLAYTON (31)- a dissapointing 2004 campaign saw jared all but abandon his donkey punch team down the stretch, which unfortunately lands one of the best players ever all the way down here. if jared were to show up, and a big if it is, he's got game that's second to none. his ability to dominate a game on both sides of the ball makes him extremely dangerous, and can easily lead to championships as proven in 2003 when he made the league his bitch in the postseason.
12) BRANDON MCKENDRY (30)- narrowly missing out on the rookie of the year award last season, b.mac may well have been the most gifted freshman in the league. the only knock on his well-rounded game may be his clayton-like homer-or-bust mentality, a method of thinking that saw his average dip to .404 by seasons end as he chased tomko down the stretch. should mckendry, as clayton did before him, figure out that moving in can win more games, he may leap up to a top-five player in 2005.
13) BILLY PICCIOTTO (29.5)- a deadly shooter and outstanding athlete that's extremely hard to judge based on his injuries andlimited role as a member of xdeathx last season. my gut tells me he's probably one of the best in the league, but he'll have to prove it first. here's hoping he suits up again and can land on a team that will allow him to reach his astronomical potential.
14) KATIE KELLY (29)- along with life partner aryn christman, katie kelly burst onto the scene in 2004 as a little-used member of the world champion double bluffs. one of the best high school basketball players in the area, and merely a sophomore at that, kelly led all rookies with an astonishing .558 average. in addition, she's one of the few ladies in the league with the ability to play defense down low with the big guns. while many have her tabbed as the second coming of shelley goodpastor, the truth of the matter is she may end up being even better.
     ELYSA FARRELL (29)- it's shame she played in only 6 games last season, because elysa was actually ranked first in the league in average after the first 2 weeks. this year, expect farrell to end up on a team that fully appreciates her spectacular shooting and suit up for a full season. and if that happens, she's a surefire all-star.
16) BEN SMITH (28.5)- in 2004, ben went from an unknown to one of the premiere outside shooters in the game and a rookie of the year finalist essentially in one week, when he shattered the sbl record for homers in a day during the final week of the season on his home court. just to prove his late-season surge wasn't a fluke, smith stepped in a reserve in game 2 of the finals and put the final nail in hoosier daddy's coffin with a 3-homer, 8-rbi performance. as with nearly every other bluff, should flourish if he can make his way onto a les stacked squad.
    BIG RANDO KNIGHT (28.5)- time and time again, the big man has us thinking he won't be around for the summer. it would be a shame not to have him in the league, but there's a distinct possibility this 4-year superstar won't be around in '05.

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