| 2004 SBL PRESEASON PLAYER VALUE RANKINGS by using a complex BCS-style formula that was devised by president tomko in the shower a couple of days ago, we here at sbl dot com are pleased to present to you, our fellow baseketball-oholics, the 2004 preseason player rankings. and what, you ask, is this formula we speak of? well, it's quite simple! players are given points, 1 being the lowest, in a number of different categories: - reliability (1-10): is this joker gonna show up regularly, or is there a pretty good chance he's gonna pull an esenwein? - shooting (1-5 points each for singles, doubles, triples and dingers): it is pretty much the basis for the whole game - glasswork (1-5): automatically given 2 points if the player makes any attempt whatsoever at breaking up a double play - the psyche-out (1-5): the most underrated category in the game. sure, they're hard to get, but thats what makes 'em so meaningful\ - dumb things (-1, -2): if we consider you "dumb thing prone", we take a point off. are you mikey? we take off 2. - intangibles/bonus points (1-5) stuff that can't be measured by any of the above categories that makes you a better player. or the other way. you can't argue with logic like this. * formula subject to change ** rankings accurate as of jan 15 *** bias included, free of charge THE RANKINGS 1) NATE TOMKO (40)- not suprisingly, nate topped the list when all the calculations he did were finished. but, facts are facts, and the two-time sbl player of the year and proven winner is still the man to beat, despite being on the downside of his career. last season, tomko wasn't at the top of major statistical categories for the first time in his career, and failed to reach the championship game, also a first. perhaps this is the season that the torch is passed. 2) JARED CLAYTON (39)- like tomko, clayton's game has no real weakness. if one had to pick an area for improvement, it would be hitting for average, but it's damn hard to stay at the top of the average pile when your game involves bombing homers like...well, jared clayton. intangible points are awarded for his ability to control a game like no other as he did when he embarassed the rest of the sbl in the 2003 playoffs. 3) MARK TARKANICK (36)- with no major difference in playing abilty from the rest of the sbl's elite, tark's major question mark heading into the 2004 campaign is his reliability. too many times in 2003 did tark have more important things to do than attend his sunday evening games, and it showed as his team plummeted from a commanding lead late in the regular season to a dismal postseason performance and a first-round playoff exit. should tark attend around 16 games, he would have to be considered the frontrunner for the player of the year award. BILLY WEISBERG (36)- sadly, weisberg is at 36 without playing up to his potential. flashes of brilliance followed by moments of ineptitude with a pinch of clutch-shooting and a dash of airball to taste...that's the bill weisberg way. 5) MATT MCCLELLAND (35)- the 2003 all-star got his learning season out of the way and seems poised to join the big boys at the head of the pack. a force inside with a shooting touch that landed him in the fifth place for last season's batting crown with a .557 average, matt was both helped out (jon biddle) and hurt (ted gilliland) by his teammates on his way to the 2003 rookie of the year trophy. can matt duplicate his previous stats? the damn formula says he can. JON OLSAVSKY (35)- the hardest working man in baseketball and another of the sbl's old guard, former mvp olsavsky knows what it takes to win and is living proof that you don't have to dedicate your life to sports to be good at this one. while always near the top in double plays and homers, jon is it, plain and simple, when it comes to psyche-outs. intangible points are awarded for outstanding leadership skills and experience, as well as being the only player in the sbl to wear the same shoes for all 3 seasons. it should be noted that since these ranking were established, it has been rumored that jon could be moving to montana mid-season... 7) KIP CORBETT (33)- a middle tier player for most of his 2002 rookie season, kip seemed to come out of nowhere in 2003 and make a name for himself as a solid all-around player. a .511 hitter last year, kip actually held the top spot for most of the season before a horrific tweezing accident left him with limited mobility in his shooting hand, causing a dip in his performance at the plate. dangerous on the bases as well, kip gets intangible points for busting his ass on the website and nailing a handful of huge shots. 8) SHELLY GOODPASTOR (32)- if olsavsky cracked the top ten via hard work, shelly goodpastor has gone about it in pretty much the exact opposite way. an effortless shooter that never cracks a smile, let alone breaks a sweat, shelly has made a name for herself as, not only the best girl ever to play the game, but one of the best ever to grace the driveways, period. intangible points are awarded for risking her life inside to break up double plays and never, ever, ever, ever getting psyched out. ever. ANDY ESENWEIN (32)- how does a player with skills equal to the claytons and tomko's of the sbl find himself near the bottom of the top ten? by missing 12 games in 2003. we weighted the formula in favor of attendance because, as andy proved last season, it doesn't matter how good you are if you're not at the games. (late breaking news: it's looking like esenwein is gonna be joining the pa state militia, leaving him a huge question mark for half the summer. god thing his realiability is only at 4 to begin with) 10) JON BIDDLE (31)- imagine that the statue of liberty were a guy, and was real skinny, and could jump real high, and was also a pretty good shooter with the sbl single-game homer record in hand, and really liked to steal things. well then you'd have jon biddle. 11) BRIAN FRANKOVICH (30)- great shooter, tons of heart, reliable as all hell... you know, for as much shit as this kid gets, he's actually a damn good baseketball player. scary good, considering he can't even drive a car yet. 12) PHILLIP JOHN NESPOR (29)- one of the sbl's founding fathers, pj was tossing up silly-ass tip ins when most of the current sbl roster was still in utero. a good all-around player who can, in some cases, play like he actually cares about winning or losing, pj is as big a part of the league as any person in it. however, his family's odd eating patterns hold him back from both a couple of games every season and a higher ranking in this list. ELYSA FARRELL (29)- shocked to see elysa up this high? you shouldn't be. while clayton got the praise for his performace in the playoffs last year, his team would have been eliminated in the second round had it not been for farrell's .850 average for that series. yeah, she can shoot that good. attendance is sketchy, keeping her from cracking the top 10. MIKEY MOROCO (29)- see brian frankovich, only with slighlty less skill and more of a jackie chan feel. 15) JAMIE MOROCO (28.5)- fast fact: jamie's the youngest player from the first season still kickin' it. in the time since then, jamie's morphed from one of the elite shooters in the league to a solid defender, the best female in the league at it, in fact. and while she may not be knocking down middle doubles at a jaw-dropping rate anymore, jamie's still capable of a 10 for 13 game every now and again. the half bonus point is for once wearing a catholic schoolgirl outfit. 16) PAT LACKEY (28)- pat, the older, more talented, and more laid back of the lackey brothers (who have, in a single year of play, surpassed the both the nespor's and the meyers' for favorite sbl brothers), had a ghettofabulous rookie year, and shows no signs of taking a nosedive in '04. a tough player under the boards, lackey can knock down any of the 12 shots on the court, and was a standout for the weenises during their postseason run. pat gets bonus points for having feathered hair. TED "LITTLE EDDIE" GILLILAND (28)- former vice city miracle and current ass champion manboy has etched quite a name for himself in the sbl record books, mostly for being huge and saying "horses cock" a lot. while fun to laugh and point at, ted does have a decent all-around game. his size inside is an obvious advantage, which he uses to both tip in and break up double plays. in addition, teddy ballgame can, and often will, knock down a homer when you least expect it. KURT "K-EUNICH" RODEMOYER (28)- a huge wildcard, you never really know which kurt will show up. while always a force under the boards, kurt can be inegmatic at the plate. after shooting .328 in the 2003 regular season, mr. unit went off in the playoffs, swishing home big shot after big shot for a ridiculous .679 average. can kurt have a weekend like that on a regular basis? those who answer yes may make him a top 10 selection. 19) ADDAM STAINBROOK (27.5)- we often say that you don't have to be good at basketball to be good at baseketball. addam is the flipside of that rule. how can someone with size, shooting ability, and the skill to crash the boards play so beneath himself from time to time? if he can improve and play up to his potential during his second season, expect big things. (breaking news: like esenwein, appears to be embarking on some sort of life journey. wants to be all his can be) 20) STEVE MENTREK (27)- easily a top 10 player if he shows up regularly. mentrek's got the total package, and in 2002, when he actually came to games regularly, was an all-star and mvp finalist. in 2003, the sex machine was totally unreliable, culminating with walking out on his team during the playoffs to smoke weed with battie annie, and eventually a least valuable player trophy. PHIL JONES (27)- back from vegas and sporting a huge-ass afro, phil jones could make a strong comeback after sitting our the 2003 season. packing on about 4 feet and 100 pounds, phil is in better physical shape to play the game inside, and if the shooting touch that scored him a .559 average in '02 hasn't left his fingers, he could be looking at an all-star spot. CONTINUE |