| SHENANGAHELA BASEKETBALL LEAGUE 2003 ALL-AMERICANS FIRST TEAM -jared clayton (transexual heartbreakers)- in leading his heartbreakers to the 2003 sbl championship, jared clayton laid claim to his first all-star selection, the regular season homerun crown, and the sbl postseason mvp award. he led the sbl in nearly every category for much of the year, and had it not been for a huge push from tomko over the final two weeks of the season, clayton could very well have garnered the player of the year trophy as well. for the campaign, clayton finished with 35 homers, 90 runs batted in, 4 assists, 73 double plays, a psyche-out and a .411 batting average. -nate tomko (gonads & strife)- after leading his squad to the best regular season record for the third time in three tries, the tomko-coached gonads & strife squad seemed unstoppable heading into the playoffs. but a shocking 2 games to 1 loss in the semifinals to clayton's heartbreakers prematurely ended the season as a player for tomko, ending his run in every championship game and leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. his third first-team all american honor and second sbl player of the year honor should help that. for the season, nate finished with 21 homers (4th in sbl), a .754 average, 100 runs batted in, 10 assists and 75 double plays, all good for first in the league. -mark tarkanick (milf hunters)- while the numbers tark put up weren't all that suprising (29 homers, .468 average, 69 runs batted in, 25 double plays), what may come as a shock is how few games it actually took him to achieve such lofty stats. playing for the national conference champion milf hunters in only 13 games, tark's homer per-game numbers were higher than clayton's, and he had more rbi per game than tomko. not bad for a second year player who had to worry about playing with that 14 inch monster hanging between his legs. - jon olsavsky (pj & the ladies)- after looking like he'd never seen a baseketball game played for much of the early part of the season, olsavsky righted the ship in time to grab his third straight first team all-american glory and in the process helped pull his team from dead-last after 4 weeks to a #4 seed in the playoffs, where they would lose to eventual world champs the transexual heartbreakers. after retiring following the 2002 season and staying retired, or so it seemed, until almost the midway point, jon came back to put up catdaddy-esque numbers: 22 homers, .473 average, 71 rbi, 3 assists, 34 double plays and 6 psyche-outs. - matt mcclelland (vice city miracles)- the lone rookie on the all-american first team, it's no shock that mcclelland also won the rookie of the year award. by far the most consistent rookie in the league, matt lacked in no area. his .557 average was good for fifth in the league, and his 5 assists had him ranked third, but in no category was he below 15th. along with fellow rookie phenom jon biddle, matt led his vice city miracle team to a #3 finish in the sbl. he was also the only participant in both the rookie and all-star games. SECOND TEAM - shelly goodpastor (gonads & strife)- the first non-male since jamie moroco in '01 to earn a spot on the sbl all-american team, shelly was perhaps one or two games away from first-team honors. her .688 average was second only to teamate nate tomko, and her 58 runs batted in were good for 6th. while shelly seemingly lacked in the other statistical categories, the inability to psyche her out and her willingness to go inside and break up the double play are invaluable assets to whichever team is lucky enough to have her. - jon biddle (vice city miracles)- no rookie has ever dominated an area of play more than jon biddle controlled the glass in 2003. his 63 double plays were good for third in the league, 12 behind tomko and 10 back of clayton, but it was his presence that allowed fellow beasts ted gilliland, and to a greater extent matt mcclelland to make plays in the paint, making vice city a bitch to play. and, just to prove he wasn't one-dimensional, biddle took a game in the middle of the season to win the single-game homer record. - bill weisberg (weenises strike back)- billy followed up his co-mvp honors in 2002 with his third straight trip to all-americanville with a short layover in championship series city. god, i'm gay. anyway, the always near the top but never quite as good as he could be weisberg put up another years worth of unspectacular but solid numbers. his .434 average and 52 rbi and 30 double plays were in the upper third of all sbl players, and he actually became one of the premiere psyche-out artists in the league. the only part of his game that seemed to be lacking in 2003 was his normally high homer total, but weisberg proved he still had his longball stroke with a semifinal finish in the homerun derby. - big rando knight (pj & the ladies)- a staple on all-american teams since the league's inception, big rando continued to be a top performer in the league yet again this season. rando seemed to shed his rebel image in '03, and it showed. pj & the ladies were a competitive team week in and out, and the big man's on-court leadership could surely be considered a prime reason for that. for the season, knight had 11 homers, a .400 average, 52 rbi, 6 assists (#2 in sbl, 43 double plays and a psyche out, while keeping his dumb things to a very un-pj&l 3. - andy esenwein (gonads & strife)- while esenwein only played 8 games, and quite probably cost his team a league championship due to his lack of attendance, his statistics cannot be overlooked. 20 homers, .562 average, 47 rbi, 10 dp's and 2 psyche-outs. had he played a full season's worth of games, he would undoubtedly be on the first team and could be polishing his player of the year trophy (instead of his pecker) right now. 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