THE 2008 SHENANGAHELA
BASEKETBALL LEAGUE PRESEASON PLAYER VALUE RANKINGS
Welcome back to baseketball,
folks. As always, we here at the dot.com
are eager to provide you, the everyman sbl player out
there, a guide of what you can expect out of yourself and your fellow sbl cronies in the upcoming season. How do we do this, you ask? Well it’s simple- we
use an ultra-complex BCS-style formula that tabulates every facet of the SBL
game into plusses and minuses, and the higher the point total, the more we can
expect out of said player in the upcoming season! It’s f’ing flaweless!
(PROOF OF FLAWLESSNESS- pat lackey was
ranked number 27 last year, 13 spots behind tony mastrian… ugh.)
Anyway, here’s how we break down the
points:
RELIABILITY: (1-20) players are given a 20 if we can
count on them to show up each and every week.
A 1 means one week would be a blessing, anything less than 10 is buyer
beware.
HITTING: (1-20) 1 to 5 for each of the four batting lines,
singles, doubles, triples and jacks. Kinda
important, because only a handful of times in SBL history has
the team with fewer runs won the game.
GLASSWORK: (1-5) includes the all-important double play
and assist categories, as well as any sort of effort to keep the other team
from killing you in either of those categories.
PSYCHE-OUT: (1-5) the red-headed
stepchild of stat categories, nothing changes the tide of a game (or gets the
crowd more involved) than a well timed, well planned psyche out.
DUMB THINGS: (-1, -2) we take away a point of two based on
how prone you are to doing something stupid.
BONUS POINTS: (1-5) what are you bringing to the table that
nobody else has? More pigment? Been to a few all-star games? Won a player of the year trophy or five? Can you pown a stat
category like dennis lackey
or jon biddle? Do you come to the all-important post-baseketball fires to wheel and deal with the drunken league
president?
I’ll do the math for you, there’s a possible total of 55, up from 45 last year. (we made reliability a 1-20 category, so in these rankings
I’ll give you each players 2007 rank)
Also, as a side note, my S key is kinda sticky, so I’ll probably be missing a few of those.
THE RANKINGS
1) TERRY
SHERNISKY (51) last season #3- though
he failed in his third attempt to rip the player of the year title away from nate tomko last season, shernisky has to be the favorite heading into ’08. his game is devoid
of any flaws, and anyone who paid attention over the final 6 weeks of the
season knows who the best offensive player in the sbl
is. He still hasn’t shown the ability to
dominate in the defensive categories, but he appears o far in front of the pack
on offense it won’t matter.
2) NATE TOMKO
(49) last season #1- the reigning three-time player of the year finds
himself somewhere other than the top of the preseason PVR’s
for the first time ever. While he’s
still the most balanced player in the game, it’s up in the air how often he’ll
actually be able to make it to baseketball this
season, as work may keep him away for up to 5 weeks.
3) BILLY WEISBERG
(47.5) last season #4- the best jewish-american player in the league continues to be
Weisberg, and the now that he’s got a new house and a court all to himself to
practice at on a daily basis, “the hammer” should only get better. He’s coming off a season that saw career
highs in batting average and runs batted in.
4) BRYAN
FRANKOVICH (47) last season #2-
though bryan finds himself slipping a couple spots
from last year, he’s still one of the elite players in the game. 2007 saw B.frank
finally win the elusive world championship thanks to his becoming more of a
team player- hitting to get on base rather than go for the glorious homer, box
out so teammates can go after double plays, etc.-
though it probably cost him a shot at the player of the year award, as well as
couple spots in these rankings.
5) ARYN
CHRISTMAN (44.5) last season #10- christman continues her expedition up the SBL preseason
player rankings (33 only 2 seasons ago) after putting up career bests in runs
batted in and at-bats, all while taking her less than reliable team on her back
all the way to the sbl championship game. She’s got the range of any guy in the league,
but with way nicer legs.
6) KATIE KELLY
(44) last season #16- making one of the
highest leaps of anyone in the rankings this year is the yang to christman’s yin.
Coming off her first sbl all-star appearance
and a spot on the all-american first team, Kelly is,
and always has been, one of the best in the business at getting on base (.639
avg. last year). But what really opened
eyes in ’07 was her shooting from deep, routinely nailing triples and homers
after spending most of her first three years at the single line.
7) MIKE MOROCO
(40) last season #5- for the first
time in moroco’s career last year, reliability became
a major issue for the youngster from the far east. Now that he’s done with high school and all
such related events, does that mean he’ll have more time on Sunday
afternoons? He was given a 13 in the
reliability category and a 20 would have him tied with frankovich
at #4. Skill-wise, moroco
is as good as anyone in the league.
8) “IRISH”
TERRY HALL (39.5) last season #18-
many would argue that, much like billy weisberg, terry hall has yet to harness his true
potential. However, hall blew up with
career highs in 2007 in homers, at bats, runs batted in and double plays; but
that ultimately came at the all-important cost of batting average as hall fell
nearly .100 points below his career mark.
Entering his first venture into captainship, hall needs to bring it all
together if he wants to make his first run at an SBL player of the year award
or world championship.
9) BIG RANDO
KNIGHT (38.5) last season T#8-
holding steady, as he has his entire career, is the SBL’s
answer to John Kruk.
His PJ&L reunion tour went about as expected last year- a couple of
wins late in the season that had people going “what if?!?”, followed by a quick
exit from the playoffs. This year, rando is back out of the red and yellow, but you can still
pretty much set your watch to these numbers: 18gp, 5hr, .433avg, 50rbi, 35dp’s
and about a dozen trips to the penalty box.
10) KIPPY
CORBETT (38) last season #12- while kip may not be quite as
consistent as rando knight, he’s still a pretty safe
bet to bat around .425 and drive in 50 runs, and on the right team can be a solid
defensive option. What really sets this
season apart from all others is that Corbett is now running the show (or at leat learning to), so we will see shortly if he uses his
authority to benefit the league or team kippy. It’s been a long, long time since Corbett has
appeared in a championship series…
11)
12) MATT
MCCLELLAND (37) last season #7- back
in this boat again… the
newest SBL hall of famer has been crowing for years
that we may not have him for much of the summer, but in every season he’s played
a full slate of games, been in the talk for player of the year, and made a
showing in the all-star game. Will he
eventually stop playing in the league regularly? Probably.
Will it be 2008? Probably not,
but he’s gonna keep losing reliability points as long
as he lives and teaches in El Tuna.
13) JON OLSAVSKY
(36) last season T#5- over the past
few seasons, olsavsky has seen his games played total
fall from 19 to 17 and last year to 14. similarly, his rbi totals have
gone from 69 to 53 to 41, and for the first time in his career jon missed an all star game in 2007. he’s made no bones
about the fact that he’s less than warm on some of the newer faces in the
league, but the thought of a first ballot hall of famer
putting up 10 games played and 30 rbi is downright
unsettling.
JAMIE MOROCO (36) last season #20- 2007 saw jamie
finally regain her all-star form, as the queen of the SBL finally made a return
appearance to the end of the year classic after a 6-season absence. As usual, who knows if Jamie will put in a
full seasons worth of games, but it would be foolish to not have this hall of famer rated as one of the top players in the league.
14) GEORGE KOVAC
(35.5) last season- unranked rookie- kovac
easily could have won the rookie of the year award last year had he not started
playing in week eight. Hell, a player of
the year award wouldn’t have been out of the question if george had played in 20 games. If kovac comes- and
that’s a monumental if- he’ll without a doubt outplay this 14 ranking. He shoots the longball
as good as anyone, has stellar defense, and is an absolute monster when it
comes to scrumming.
15) JAMIE FABIAN
(35) last season #40- the 2007 SBL
Chicken Leg Most Improved Player Award winner makes a monumental 25 spot leap
up the player value rankings this season.
While Fabian, who has always been one of the most popular characters in
the league, played well above his previous career numbers in ’07, it was his
attendance that truly made him an all-star (2004-2006 games played: 14, 2007
games played: 20) It would be unfair of
me to not say that the now clean cut Fabes has not
been around the baseketball crew nearly as much as he
was last year at this time, but Jamie still says he’s dedicated to playing in the
SBL this year.
16) GREG LACKEY
(34) last season #19- the
rollercoaster career of greg lackey shows that 2008
should be a down season for him, but something in my gut tells me that glack will play in a full slate of games this year and
finally make the all-star team he’s been flirting with for his entire
career. Greg is extremely flexible,
perhaps more so than any other player in the league, able to hit from every
spot on the court, tip in and psyche out, and hit for average and drive in
runs.
17) DENNIS
LACKEY (33.5) last season #17- the
2007 version of dennis finally put up some numbers
similar to the 2003 player of the year finalist version of dennis
in all but one category. Sadly, that
category was games played, as dennis
was at a disgusting 11, well below his career average even while playing on a
PJ&L team that seemed perfect for his freewheeling style of play. Dennis could be a perennial all-star if he
can make it to the shenangahela valley on Sunday
afternoons.
18) PATRICK
NESPOR (33) last season #29- who even 18 months ago thought that
Patrick would ever be rated above either of his older brothers, let alone
both? But that’s exactly where we find
ourselves heading into 2008 based on two things: consistency- pat hits for a solid .340
average and can hit big shots (season-ending homer in the sbl
championship series?) while both PJ and Lee are all over the board; and
intangibles- for those keeping score pat has played in the championship series
in every year in the league.
19) LEE NESPOR
(32.5) last season #24 well obviously
Lee isn’t that far behind Pat. The human
longball is no more as Lee put up a .340 batting
average that was .100 points better than his career average in 2007, but
slipped to a ridiculous low 11 homers. Does
it mean Lee is a better or worse player?
Not really, but it certainly proved that Lee likes to win above personal
glory, something that will make him much more enticing to captains in the
upcoming season.
20) BEN SMITH
(32)- last
season #11- jesus
ben, jesus. Never before has a player that was seriously
given player of the year consideration for so long fallen so far so fast. Ben was one of the elite homerun hitters in
the game, a solid defender, and a championship game-calibur
captain who could be counted on to show up for every single game. Now, Ben is more a model of inconsistency
both in play and attendance… who knows if he’ll jack 5 or 35 homers this year,
who knows if he’ll play in 2 or 22 games.
I hope 22!
21) DANIELLE
HENNON (31) last season #21- the highest-rated player not already preassigned to a team, hennon is
a good option at leadoff. She’s a good
table setter with a history of batting near .500, though her average takes a
nosedive beyond the double line. Her
defense is an afterthought, obviously, but if you were even considering
drafting her for that you’re a damn fool anyway. Another huge plus, she’s hotter than anyone
in the league not named big rando… and maybe gavin
22) PJ NESPOR
(30.5) last season #23- how a player
puts up career lows in nearly every statistical category and actually climbs up
the rankings one spot is beyond me.
Maybe my flawless system isn’t so flawless after all? Anyway, people don’t add pj
nespor to the team because he’ a consistent 15 homer,
.500 hitter that will drive in 50 runs.
They draft him because he’s freakin’ pj nespor, legend. And because,
once or twice a season, when the moons line up just right, he’ll go apeshit and drop home 8 of 10 and tip in 6 double plays.
ANDY ESENWEIN (30.5) last season #unranked- guess who’s out of the army and back
in the valley as of October? Yep, the first next nate tomko… and I know he’s
back because I’ve partied with him twice.
The bad news?
I’ve only partied with him twice since October, which doesn’t
actually bode well is you’re expecting him to play more than a handful of games
this summer. More bad
news? Esenwein
has never, ever played in more than 13 games in a year, and that was 2002. Buyer beware!
23) LOU
SHERNISKY (30) last season unranked
rookie- lou is no
terry. However, lou is no mark metro, either. He’s not incredibly reliable, playing in only
8 games last year, but he is a consistent hitter, good for a .500 average and
about 4 rbi per game. Plus, the ladies love him.
24) JON BIDDLE
(29.5) last season #8- the human
leap, who over the last handful of seasons has also developed into quite the
little number two hitter (anyone remember that perfect game he took into the
last inning at katie kelly’s
house last year?) would be a perfect dark horse pick for player of the year
this season… except for one small detail.
In jon’s words, he’ll
only be at baseketball a few times this year. (sorry rando, I didn’t know til after the teams were made) call me an optimist, but I see biddle being here a little more than he predicts. Eight to Ten game
aren’t out of the question, maybe more.
Perhaps we can entice him back with a jukebox hero captainhip?
25) CHUCK MUSZIK
(29) rookie- the highest rated rookie
of the 2008 class is so for good reason.
He’s a stud basketball player on par with nate and billy (and for those
keeping track named terry shernisky or
NUMBERS 26+
In the interest of time, the following
players will be summed up by less word than are in this sentance.
26) JARED
CLAYTON (28.5) last season unranked- H.O.F.’er turned piss-poor ladies into contenders in
’07. then left
for texas during playoffs. Same in ’08.
27) MIKE
FRANKOVICH (28) last season #25-
skinniest man in non-african marathoner society shoots
doubles well, brings his own beer. Yay mike!
28) DANK ELLY
(27) last season #15- won’t be here often, ala bidd, but still a worthy addition to any team. Hits, plays d and scrums.
29) BOB SPOHN
(26.5) last season unranked rookie-
sweet ink aside, bob could have won ROTY in ’07 if he’d have shown up. He’d better this year.
30) JUSTIN
SHAFFER (26) last season #35- former
POTY finalist has played 3 games since 2003.
he’ll still get drafted… he’s due right?
31) ELYSA
FARRELL (25.5) last season #31-
actually played last year, which was refreshing. But for anyone other than nate?
Doubtful.
32) SHELLEY
GOODPASTOR (25) last season #12- I miss shelley so much it hurts sometimes.
BILLY DEFOREST (25) rookie- wants to play baseketball
more than any person I’ve encountered
in the last three seasons. Game? We’ll see.
33) PAT LACKEY
(24.5) last season #27- career year
tainted by playoff absence. Lucky if we
get one week from Carolinian plack in ’08.
34) TONY
MASTRIAN (24) last season rookie#14- overhyped rook fell
victim to fallout with nate, fists of doom. Things are cool, but tony
is in
TIM MARTIN (24) last season unranked rookie- nice standby in ’07,
filled out a roster twice at the last minute.
A good bargain pickup
35) SETH SALCEDO
(23.5) last season #32- we finally
get him back, and bryan parks him at the end of the
bench, driving him away. asshole.
BEN “BIG WHITEY” ELLIOTT (23.5) last season #24-
actually appeared in 13 last year, but had his worst numbers ever. Still, I’d pick him.
36) JOHN
DAVIDSON (23) last season unranked
rookie- not a bad little player, but who the hell knows when he’ll be
there. Who’s he
friends with, anyway?
STEVEN RENEE CONDO (23) last season #27- he may gut you.
JASON BIDDLE
(23) last season #39- nice addition late
in the draft. I’d park my ass on the bench to let this
legend get some P.T.
LENNY H. CRIST (23) last season #34- what’s with this
psyche-out machines refusing to play after week 5?
TERRY “HAMMY”
37) JEANNE
MENTREK (22.5) last season unranked
rookie- only player to actually lose bonus points because of her mindbending succeptability to
getting psyched out.
ROB WHITING (22.5) rookie- first female, 2001. first African American,
2005. first
homosexual, 2008! And, he lives at the
world headquarters!
38) JEFF PALLINI
(22) last season unranked- silliest
drunk in the sbl has rededicated himself to the
league and can’t wait to get back in mix.
39) STUD
FRANKOVICH (21.5) last season unranked-
without ben as a captain, who’s gonna
piss away a top pick on this one trick pony?
40) JOHN OFFUTT
(21) last season #42- not a bad
option at all if you’re hard up for a 4th. Hits .400 in his brief career.
41) JORDANA BEH
(20) last season unranked rookie- she’s
pretty hott, and can shoot pretty well, but I’m also
pretty sure she dated mikey and doesn’t now.
42) JEREMY
BATTYANI (19.5) last season #37-
shirtless wonder has zip when it comes to D, but can pop when he’s not totally
blazed.
43) DEREK
LOCKOVICH (19) last season #33- last
year I said “when did lockovich get good?”. This year I
remembered- never.
44) BIG ANDO
KALL (18.5) last season #35- use him
for scrums, middle homers and putting holes in peoples skulls, but only for two
weeks per season.
45) JIMMY HOLL
(18) last season #49- despite plethora
of natural athleticism, is pretty flaky when it comes
to Sunday afternoons.
46) VALERIE
TAYLOR (17) last season unranked
rookie- was a solid pickup for PJ&L late last summer. Can hit from close, but not real
consistently.
47) TEDDY “BALLGAME”
GILLILAND (16) last season #37- two
years and counting without the human homer mountain, which is way to long.
48) CASSIE “THE
ASSASSIN” PYLE (13) last season #42-
shower pisser loves the middle single, doing happy dances, and stomping feet in
disgust.
49) TED’S SISTER
(8) last season unranked- no fucking
way she goes undrafted.
50) JOEL
“THUNDER” “THRILLER” “TORPEDO” “BEEF” “LOU” LEPAK (1) last season #69- I love and miss this kid. Please god let him make it one week this
summer.
This concludes our preseason
player value rankings for 2008. Is your
name not on this list? Then I don’t know
you to be playing baseketball this summer, so you
need to rectify that immediately.