| THE TOP FIFTEEN PLAYERS WE NEED BACK IN THE SBL THIS YEAR while baseketball players come and go by the dozens every year, every so often a player that actually matters will say goodbye to the sbl for one reason or another, unfortunately leaving a huge void that just cannot be filled. here i'll take some time to count down the top 15 in this category- a list of baseketball superstars of the past that we'd all love to have back in 2007. and if your name appears in this list below, please consider this an open invitation to come home this may. 15- STEVEN RENEE CONDO: missing since 2005 steven condo is a bitch. there's absolutely no arguing that, probably not even from his mother. in his last appearance in the sbl, "little bitch" was pounded on by yours truly after threatening to pull my insides to my outside. since then, condo has been holed up in some military base in kentucky, and nobody associated with baseketball has ever said "damn, i really miss him", but can you name a player in the history of our sport who has given us more memorable moments, good or bad, in so little actual playing time? probably not. every time he shows up, condo rubs at least a half-dozen people the wrong way, and gives every single player who suits up against him an unending desire to not lose. he's brash, arrogant, possesses limited skill but limitless mouth, and is mike tyson-funny. a perfect fit in a league full of assholes and little kids. 14- ELYSA FARRELL: missing since 2004 she was katie kelly way before katie kelly was katie kelly: the driving force behind a championship team who controlled the hell out of a game without ever stepping behind the single line. plus, she liked me a whole lot better than katie seems to, which was nice. besides, can this league ever really have too many girls? well yes, probably, but not ones as good or as fun to be around as elysa is. 13- TEDDY "BALLGAME" GILLILAND: missing since 2005 while there have been quite a few sbl superstars who have put their personal statistics above the good of the team time after time (i'm looking at you, weisberg) nobody has ever been as synonymous with it as teddy ballgame. the big man made his living from the solo homer stripe. and because he frequently captained his squad, nobody could do anything to stop him, short of parking a volkswagon on him. if he's on your team, you probably wouldn't be too upset if he didn't show up. but if you had the joy of playing against him, you'd pray to whatever jesus you chose to see him toe the homer line opposite you. and i'm not even going to mention the sister jokes, or his 0-for record in scrums against girls. 12- JASON "J" BETTS: missing since 2004 an sbl original, betts was missing shots when most of the current sbl superstars were still in grade school. not that most of the current sbl superstars aren't still in grade school, but that's neither here nor there. at any rate, betts was one of the premeire psyche-out artists of his time, an art which is unfortunately dying quickly in baseketball. while betts was rarely a regular player- he showed up sporadically and was little used after season one, he's one of the really great guys in the game, and we miss him dearly. plus, he's in the elite club of people who have had sex with more than one sbl player, which is pretty mind-boggling when you think about it. 11- RYAN JOHNSON: missing since 2002 any baseketball purist will tell you that 2001 was the best baseketball season, and a handful may even argue for '02. is it just a coincidence that those were ryan johnson's only years in the league? of course not! a shining example of how greatly the league has changed in it's 6 seasons, the unathletic chohnson and his .200 batting average were almost all-stars in 2k1, but it was his uncompetitive, always happy demeanor which made him such a pleasure to be around. in a time where everyone is trying to out-ringer one another, ryan would be a breath of fresh air. 10- HAMMY WAREHAM: missing since 2001 very seldom does a player of the year finalist never set foot in the sbl again, but that's exactly what terry wareham did after his huge campaign in baseketball's initial season. after finishing third in the league in homers and earning an all-star birth and first team all-american honor, hammy seemed poised to make the shenangahela baseketball league his whore for years to come. but, as quckly as he stormed into the league, hammy dissapeared, leaving almost 10 fans wondering how and why. a great player from a more simple time in baseketball, hammy hasn't really been heard from in recent years, save rumours of a suprise appearance in the 2004 homerun derby that, sadly, turned out to be just that: rumours. 09- WEEN FARMARTINO: missing since 2005 officially, miss farmartino, namesake of the mighty weenis franchise, has only been missing since '05. in reality, it seems much longer, as ween played only one week in that season, and hasn't been more than a once a year wonder since 2002. when it comes right down to it, there have only been three teams named after an sbl superstar (can you name them all?), and we really can't afford to lose any of them. besides that, ween meets all of the requirements for sbl females: hott, good, & a sense of humor, but adds things that aren't required but don't hurt, such as being named ween and actually being able to call mike frankovich fat. and, if she comes back, i'll be able to brush off the sign of 100 weens. 08- SETH SALCEDO: missing since 2004 what seth brings to the league really cannot be questioned. he's funny as hell. but what we really need is to get salcedo back AND get teddy ballgame to return, because i really can't think of a more entertaining fued than then one that went down between the house-sized gilliland and the pint-sized sal. however, seth was more than willing to mix it up with just about anyone in the league, regardless of size or sbl stature. in heartwarming news, word on the street is that seth salcedo may actually be back for the 2007 season. 07- CHRIS HVIZDAK: missing since 2001 just read everything i wrote about ryan johnson, but add in the fact that hviz co-founded the entire damn league. how can he not be around anymore? it's downright tragic! 06- ANDY ESENWEIN: missing since 2005 with most of these players, it was more or less thier loveable personalities that earned them a spot on this prestigious list. and not to take anything away from esenwein, who is a helluva guy in his own right, but i want him to come back just so he can win some damn thing. we always claim frankovich is forced to go through life a perennial loser, but he's actually won a couple all-star game mvp's. esenwein, seriously, has never won anything. he came in second in the 2002 rookie of the year voting to mark tarkanick, has lost more homerun derby's than humanly possible, and has never won an sbl championship or even been nominated for player of the year despite being on some great teams and putting up some great numbers. i know he's in the army now, and it's really cool that he's risking his life so we can live in a country where we can have players of the year, but damn son. win one for yourself! 05 (AND 04) JASON BIDDLE AND JUSTIN SHAFFER: missing since 2006 alright, how much can players really be considered 'missing' if they played last season? if it's biddle and fred, a lot. these two, who are grouped together because i've been grouping them together since i was in high school, were part of the first expansion of the sbl player pool. both great players who can hit for average, rbi and play with the best under the boards, they came from a time when new players came to our league to have fun, not just to give a team a fourth superstar to help dominate. if you doubt how much people, especially those who were lucky enough to be in the sbl when biddle and shaffer were full-timers, actually enjoy having these guys around, just pay attention to the excitement in the air when there's a rumor one (or both) may be home for a weekend. rando actually pops boners. RANDOM PIC!!! |
| 03- LENNY CRIST: missing since 2006 another entry in the 'missing but not really gone' category, lenny actually put in 7 games last season. but for a player who was 100% dedicated from day one, it's sad to see him become a name on this countdown. as everyone knows, lenny and i have had our share of on-court problems over the years, but in spite of our altercations, i'm smart enough to realize how important lenny is to our great sport. besides being one of the few sbl originals still lacing up the roller skates, lenny perhaps best reflects what our league used to be about: having a good time with little, if any, desire to actually win ballgames and trying to make the games more enjoyable to watch for everyone in attendance. that statement coming from me probably sounds like a load of shit, but just because i do something doesn't make it right. do as i say, not as i do and trust me, this league needs more lenny crists and less nate tomko's. 02- SHELLEY GOODPASTOR: missing since 2005 if i could create a perfect baseketball player, it would be shelley. determined but not overly competitive, quiet but outgoing enough to be interesting, attractive enough to piss of danielle, selfless in playing style but still willing to give the fans a 9-homer game when they call for it, all while showing up regularly, helping out with the reffing and such, and batting ahead of me so i can get a ton of runs batted in. when shelley took that ft. lauderdale internship last year, it was one of the saddest moments in my life, right up there with my grandpa dying and crystal pepsi getting yanked off the shelfs. (you could spill it on the couch and it didn't leave a stain!!!) shelley, please, PLEASE, come back this year! i'll give you whatever you want! is it ben smith? i swear to god i'll throw him out of the league! 01- JOEL A. "BEEF" "THRILLA" "THUNDER" "LOU" LEPTAK: missing since 2004 really, this guy would be at the top of a list of people i just miss all to hell, baseketball player or not. joel is the full-body huggin', village-dressin', velcro lovin', mushroom haired, tiny nippled, pickle swallowing, rainbow homerin', dolphin' psyche out'n, tighty whitey sportin' , rock climbin', mitcheltree hubbying, s.a.t. acin', dry humpin', doodle showin', package bein', greatest human being in the world, hands down. i'f i hit the lottery, i'm moving the entire baseketball league to ann arbor just so joel can play every weekend. SPECIAL UPDATE: congratulations to mr. perfect, 2007 wwe hall of fame inductee. rest in peace, and long live the perfectplex! well, there you have it guys. 15 people i want to see back in the sbl, 15 people i want to see every sunday this summer. i know some of you are out of touch, some live many miles or many states away, and some of you may or may not be dead, but if you're reading this, how about making me happy this year. because like sarah silverman, i may just have billions and billions of AIDS, and could be dead by august. PRES 2007 |