| THE BEST OF THE BEST here's a little something to kill some time before may 14th ULTIMATE LEADOFF HITTER: the best shelley goodpastor: shelley's more awesome than tropical punch kool-aid; everyone knows that. and though she's not quite as far ahead of the pack as she once was, i'd still want her on the line -any line- leading off an inning when you're in need of a rally. what shelley has that some of her counterparts are lacking is the ability to knock down any shot on the court, from right single to left homer. sure, there are choices out there that would give you more options once on the basepath, but sometimes making small sacrifices like ensuring no chance of an offensive put-back can be made up for by the 75% chance that you won't get double played on the first shot of the inning. besides, it only makes sense to get your best hitter up the most times in a game. number two matt mcclelland: one tends to forget that big mac is a leadoff hitter because he's so versatile he can play any position. after winning rookie of the year from that slot in 2003, matt took a backseat to shelley in '04, opting to bat third. last season, team koopa troopa was in first place throughout the year, and much of that can be attributed to mcclelland's leadoff hitting. then, for some unknown reason, greg lackey was inserted into the top spot after the lethal lottery, and koopa was never quite the same team. the point is: mac is a leadoff hitter, and any team would be stupid not to use him there. few are better at breaking up the double play, especially from second base, and now that matt's added the homer (2005 hrd finalist) to his arsenal, it may not even matter that he's still a bit iffy from the sides. honorable mention katie kelly: katie finds herself a close third on this list because she's not quite as good a shooter as shelley and not nearly as dangerous on the basepaths as mcclelland. i will note, however, she's a better shooter than mac and more likely to tip in an assist or break up a d.p. than shelley. the only knock on katie would probably be her ability outside the double line, as she rarely ventures that far from the hoop. DOWN BY THREE, BASES LOADED, TWO OUTS, YOU NEED A HOMER: the best andy esenwein: three times in his otherwise dissapointing career andy esenwein has had a chance to end the game with a walk-off homer, and all three times he's succeeded. though he may not have the lofty homer numbers of some of the others on this list, the fact remains that he's gotten it done every single time the oppurtunity has presented itself. number two nate tomko: he's certainly no esenwein, as there have been quite a few times when tomko's had a golden oppurtunity to hit a walk-off and come up short, but over the course of the sbl's five seasons has anyone hit more big homers than nate? the sbl's single-season leader as well as the runaway all-time power hitter, i'd certainly not want to see the three-time player of the year on the line if i were the defense is the above situation. honorable mention shelley goodpastor: with all do respect to ben smith, bryan frankovich, and anyone else out there who thinks they should have made this list, i'll best you a hundred bucks that if you took a poll of the sbl they'd put shelley above you, reguardless of how many homers you've hit. the chick has icewater running though her veins. UP BY THREE, BASES LOADED, TWO OUTS. YOU'RE ON DEFENSE AND NEED A PSYCHE-OUT: the best lenny crist: i can hear the chicken leg fans gasping in disbelief already. but hear me out: sure, dennis is funny and nobody racks up the psyche-outs like he does, but if you'll notice, dennis' antics have little, if any effect on a good chunk of the sbl. lenny can psyche-out anyone, from big rando to jamie moroco to jon biddle. he works harder to get them, often coming to work with a boxload of hardware to help get the job done, and his spectrum is a little broader. number two dennis lackey: and trust me, he'd be number one if we were asking about psyching out the under 20 crown or jared clayton. ugh, especially jared clayton. don't get me wrong, i'm not dissing fuzzyhead one bit; he's gotten me before. it's just with dennis, i know i'm gonna get some crazy slapstick psyche-out, and i might be ready for it. with lenny, i don't know where to begin. honorable mention lee nespor: everyone knows this was a two horse-race, and this was the only time i really had to narrow this category down from the potential list of about 5. i'm just going by the law of averages. lee attempts to psyche people out every time they shoot. let's say that equals roughly 300 looks a season for lee. last year, he had 2. he's real due. the "nice shoes" psyche out will eventually come together for him, and i wouldn't want to be on the line shooting a game-winner when it does. PLAYER MOST LIKELY TO GET A GAME ENDED EARLY: the best big rando knight: though relatively tame for the last two seasons (we'll forgive him, he was trying to win a championship. that should be over now.) nobody has pushed referees over the edge for the last five years like big rando. as a member of pj & the ladies for his entrie adult life, rando was instilled with a hatred for authority that went deep. balls deep. never one to shy away from humping a fabian or tossing a lackey headfirst into a trashcan no matter how many times he'd been warned, the sbl's all-time leader in penalty innings is a lock for this one. number two pj nespor: knights running buddy, and some might say mastermind behind the every evil antic perpertrated by the ladies, pj was just inches below rando in abusiveness toward authority and respect for the game. every bit the humper of his brutish counterpart, pj would often use a more psychological warfare when dealing with the sbl brass, preferring words (and, every now and then, a good shoe toss) to get his point, or lack thereof, across. the results were similair, though, as in the mind of the sbl, a defaming of the presidency is as much a crime as a taint bite. honorable mention nate tomko: yes, tomko was most often the one enforcing the rules on the above two when things got ugly, but he was just as quick to jump ship when things started going against him. the master of the scoreboard toss has been the catalyst behind quite a few contest-ending melees in his day, showing just how blurred the line between good and evil really is in the shenangahela. |
| COURT MOST LIKELY TO DECIDE A GAME BY ITSELF the best horsecock downs: one reason alone the former middlesex county jail tops this list: offense. on teddy ballgames hoop, no record is safe. wether it's because it's a foot short or because it slopes downward as the driveway goes upwards, the horsecock hoop is a defender's worst nightmare. on top of being the site of the sbl's highest-scoring regular season and postseason contests, it's also the hoop that shelley goodpastor set the single-game homerun record on a season ago. number two the tubbietronic superdome: kind of the anti-horsecock, the superdrome boasts one of the toughest courts for the offensive players. the hoop, which is probably older than any of the nespor brothers who call the north meyers venue home, is incredibly unforgiving. coupled with the evening sun setting behind the hoop and the part-gravel surface, this court was perfect for the offensively inept ladies teams that used this as their home arena for 5 seasons. honorable mention: the sucka-free outdoor sports complex: while this cout is neither slanted towards offenses or defenses, the fact that it's miles from any form of supervision is what makes it difficult to play on. in the driveway of westminster phi-tau in wilmington, pa, sucka-free is the only court in which beer pong (and excessive drinking in general) is not only tolerated, but generally forced upon you. even the best sblers find it tricky to play when they can't find the hoop. PRESIDENT 2006 HOME |