| 2005 SBL CAPTAINS DRAFT GUIDE so you've looked over the pre-rankings, but they really don't tell you how reliable a player actually is. what's this rumor about mcclelland moving to the carolinas? and who said what about jamie moroco living in florida for the summer with joe votino? the way i see it, who better than everyone's favorite baseketball league president to give you his opinion on who's actually gonna be here this summer? keep in mind that these are based on a team actually wanting to win games, which without pj & the ladies is everyone. i hope. |
| THE "GO AHEAD AND DRAFT THEM WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT" GROUP draft one of these guys and you'll get a solid 15 games. first and second round stuff here. jason betts- no real rumours currently encircle betts, but he will rely heavily on the attendance of jamie moroco. little playing time last year might have left a sour taste in his mouth, but i say with a fair amount of confidence he'll be there for 15+. katie kelly- now that her boyfriend is in the league, she should only improve on her 18 games played from a year ago. kip corbett- i was sketchy on this one at first, but i got it right from his mouth. kip will be here this summer, and should be at games a hell of a lot more often than he was last season. lenny crist- since year one, lenny has been at the top of the list of most loyal players. with pj & the ladies no longer an entity, there may not be that "perfect fit" for him anymore, but i don't see lenny missing more than 3 weeks. erin hayden- even with the jon biddle thing in the past, i expect rock-solid attendance from everyone's favortie asian sensation. just keep in mind that i'm not vouching for how good she is here. pat lackey- he'll be living in the burgh this summer, but pat lackey is more baseketball than 90% of the league. he'll be here, so don't let his living arrangements push him out of the first round. jamie moroco- this is a situation similair to pat's, except that jamie has a job that may require her to work on sundays. jamie, however, is more basketball than 98% of the league, so she'll also find a way to come 3/4's of the time. lee nespor- lee really doesn't do anything but play baseketball. billy picciotto- many doubted how well billy would handle the rigors of sbl life in his rookie campaign, but few attended more games than he did. and considering he played most of the year on a bad wheel, it would take a lost to keep him away. good for 15 games. |
| THE "ROLL OF THE DICE" GROUP for one reason or another, the members of this group aren't real sure about their status for 2005. however, i expect them to come to at least 10 games, and as many as all 20. not really first-round stuff here, but you may consider them in the second, definately the third. jeremy battyani- he came most of the time last year, when he had to take order from the only captains that looked younger than him. he's a good guy, and he'll be around whenever he'd not making out with his woman in public. and sometimes when he is. kassy brown- she comes with hood. hood comes enough to land in here. katie burger- after a dissapointing 2 games played last year, once would expect katie to be a little further down. let's just put it this way: if you're only drafting katie because you think you it will get you laid or something, don't waste your time. ann carine- i hope she comes to every single game. that hope is unreal. hoping she comes to 12 while wearing powder blue shorts? that's do-able. aryn christman- she was good for 13 last year. why would she stop coming now? andy esenwein- now that the summer of army hell is over, the master of the homerun should only be gone for a few weeks. expect him to return to his previous form when he was a solid weekly performer a few years back. of course, that little fucking over of pj & the ladies thing from last year is still fresh in some minds... elysa farrell- she attended regularly in 2004 until her captain demoralized her in front of the entire league. a new coach and 12 months should help that. expect elysa for 14 games. ted gilliland- he claims his lease doesn't run out until june 30, but that would still have him home in plenty of time for the end of the regular season and the playoffs. besides, he goes to school in waynesburg, not tibet. and he's got a car. danielle hennon- odd, but between work, numerous family functions and those dogfart shoots, danielle doesn't come to baseketball nearly as much as one would assume. sean hood- listen, homeslice came back and faced me knowing there was a reasonable chance i would punch him on the spot. now that hat's behind him, the only thing possibly keeping him away would be the bitterness from being shunned by his own team in last season's playoffs. jeff knight- jeff signed up himself, his girlfriend, and his unborn son last summer. that's fucking dedication. better one knight than none, i suppose. greg lackey- the no-name lackey is a promising young star on the baseketball court, but he's apparantly quite the little baseball player, as well. it was this which kept him from half his teams games last year, and i expect a little more of the same this season. pj nespor- i know what you're thinking. "pj nespor! in the roll of the dice group?!? but he's mr. baseketball." yes, he is mr. baseketball, but consider this: pj has played in only 26 of his teams last 50 games, and that was while he lived in sharon. now that he's an hour and 15 minutes away, he's much closer to 0 games played than 20. it's sad, but that's the way life goes. ali szabo- call me crazy, but i really think this girl will come to baseketball. she's bff with erin hayden, and i know she rolls will shelley, too. besides, i think she has a crush on big ted. |
| THE "RUSSIAN ROULETTE" GROUP kinda like the "roll of the dice" group in that they may come to a heap games, but are more likely to no-show and splatter your hope for a successfull season all over the wall behind you. expect anywhere from 0-12 from this posse, and don't consider drafting them until the 4th unless you're either real confident in your top 3-4 or are some sort of prophet and know way more than me. jason biddle- while it's not a sure thing yet, biddle will most likely be in syracuse this summer. or wait... maybe it was fred that'll be in syracuse and biddle will be in georgia... i always get those guys confused. mike devito- true, he's boys with mckendry and nate, but dude has said he was coming over drinking/to play basketball/to play baseketball so many times and no-showed that he makes fabes look reliable. fabes- the fabe, however, is living with pj. if pj ever did come, he'd probably drag fabes with him, kicking and screaming. sam lynn- now that sam is hot and engaged, she's too cool to hang out with all of us. or so we thought before her pearl harbor-in-a-good-way surprise visit on new years eve. the former world champ may be making a huge comeback to the sbl. or not. steve mentrek- as goes sam, so goes the sex machine. amber hoover- this hottie has all the tools to be a sweet baseketball player. she's cute, nice, mildly athletic, and owns strirrup socks. unfortunately, she may or may not be dating tim mclaughlin, which would seriously hinder her ability to hang out with us. erin leyde- without clayton, she most likely won't attend. but she is cool with myself and billy, and could possible show up with one of us. if she does, she's one of the best homerun hitters in the biz. chris mclaughlin- since he only played 10 games last year with ted calling him to come every week, i don't see him improving on that total this season with an un-ted as a captain. chris is hard to call, however, and he may come to more than 12 games and be a real steal, especially if he can keep up the torrid hitting he displayed late in 2005. cassie "the assassin" pyle- the future mrs. pj pyle shows up every now and then, dances her little dance, and everyone is happy. but with pj's attendance going all but ka-put, that dance may soon go the way of the macarena. brendan radcliffe- i secretly think brendan, embarassed by his dissapointing season, has been perfecting his skills all winter and anxiously anticipating the moment he can unleash them on an unsuspecting sbl. kurt rodemoyer- last i talked to k-unit, he was talking about moving to georgia for a girl. he wasn't sure when this move would be taking place, but said it could be anytime between may and september. don;t you love when a good player tells you he'll be here for either all, some, or none of the season? fred shaffer- was it georgia? it might have been pulaski. mark tarkanick- after his least valuable player campaign in 2004 (i know clayton won it, but tark earned it) thanks to his one-and-done season, tark as plummeted from first overall acquisition to some dude who might get chosen in the last round because he's a human dynamo with a 14-inch schlong and a rainmaking homer that goes in 70% of the time but will most likely never, ever, ever come. |
| THE "IT'S NOT HAPPENING" GROUP those who fall into this category can be expected to make it to one week of baseketball at the most. sure, they may be great players or have really sweet names with silent h's, but for one reason or another, they won't be anywhere near the shenangahela valley this summer. feel free to pick them up late if you're roster features at least 5 players from the above groups and you think they'd add that special something to your squad. under no circumstances should you count on one of these players to be a consistent starter or draft them before round 6. steve condo- spc. condo is currently in iraq looking for osama bin laden and nicole brown-simpson's "real killer". unless we decide to have one hell of an away game or he get's discharged for being a queer, don't expect him to suit up. jen gavala- after 4 consecutive seasons of hoping gavala would become a regular player, i've finally given up. sigh, she's gonna be constipated for life... (get it? not regular=constipated. get it?) ween farmartino- if the persuasive duo of elliott and biddle couldn't force a ween appearance, it can't be done. chris hvizdak- now that he's a skinny romeo, hviz has better things to do, like chase tail and buy a new wardrobe, than play in the league he co-founded. phil jones- i had really hoped phil would make a comeback last year, but i think landing on team morocvich put the final nail in his sbl coffin. big rando knight- just got done talking to the big man. he's got a internship working for bell helicopters in texas all freaking summer. one of the greatest ever won't be playing in 2005, and i'm considering just cancelling the season. fucking rando. joel lepak- god hates me, so he'll be around once. god hates me, so he won't come back after that. tessa lockovich- she'll be breastfeeding. a baseketball game is no place to whip out titties and let only one person suckle them. fat tony merolillo- the best scrummer ever. why? he's only ever come once. that won't change. random meyers brother- as i said in the p.v.r., one of them might show up once. todd miller- while i doubt he would come otherwise, the new steroid policy will certainly prevent the juiced one from performing in '05. jeff pallini- lives in cali. paul radkowski- lives in a world where baseketball to him is like nascar is to us. just way, way below him. addam stainbrook- we'll begin and end this group with n army man. though i'm not sure where stainbrook is, i'm sure he's embarassing american way less than condo. THE OTHERS anyone not listed in one of the above groups is a true wild card. i have no friggin' clue who they are, therefore i have no friggin clue if they'll actually play baseketball. PRESIDENT HOME |