After a peaceful 3 hours’ sleep, I decide to check my AIM messages before walking out the door to go to work. To my delight, I find one from Nate asking me to do a column about (I think) how to handicap the Player of the Year race, or maybe some analysis of who’s going to win, or perhaps both. Being that there is nothing to do at work now, I am currently attempting to simultaneously have a conversation with an ex about bitch-exes and psycho exes and write this column. God help us if the two overlap.
First off, let’s take a look at two of the “unwritten rules” for fairly choosing who wins the Player of the Year award, in this, the most bangin’ baseketball league around:
1. Nate Tomko is only allowed to win in odd-numbered years. –
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He’s won in 2001, ’03, and ’05 despite having the best year individually every year of the SBL’s existence. Since this is an even-numbered year, it’s obvious that someone who doesn’t quite have the numbers Nate does is going to win. There are a couple people, however, who may be having seasons as good as Nate’s. You could speculate on one of those guys except… |
Could this man win his 4th POTY? |
2. Bryan Frankovich is
prohibited from winning anything significant, ever. –He’s been so close
in the past, only to fall short. Just
check past seasons on the site. It’ll
tell you how almost great he’s been. Actually,
Mike Frankovich wasn’t even a ROTY finalist last year, so this should be
changed to No Frankovich is allowed to win anything significant, ever. Seriously.
But Nate wants me to find a way to “handicap” the Player of the Year race (presumably to give somebody other than Mr. Danielle Hennon a real chance). Let’s examine some ideas to accomplish this.
1. Divide a player’s stats by x+1, where “x” equals the number of POTY awards a player has won. – Nate Tomko has won 3 of these awards, so you would divide his stats by 4, producing a line of exactly 11.75 HR, .159 BA, 28 RBI, exactly 2.25 Assists, and exactly 27.75 DP (through week 8). That would sure take him out of the POTY race, but somehow keep him atop Live Sex Celebration in all of those categories. He would still be second in these categories if he were to play for Bukkake Tsunami.
2. A good, old-fashioned beer pong tournament. –
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Nate is no slouch in pong, but let him go against Matt McClelland or myself in a game. That’ll fix his wagon. There are also the likes of Rando, Billy, Biddle, Big Whitey and others. Hey, a beer pong shootout was once used as a scrum. Anything’s possible in this league. Plus it would be fun to have a full SBL beer pong tournament regardless. And if any of you pussies don’t want to drink beer, I’ll volunteer to drink it for you. |
Westminster students love their beer pong, as
evidenced by forming the cups into a blue and white “W”. The middle finger simply means that |
3. I’ll admit it: Those ideas
are absolutely asinine. The best way to
give a player some sort of recognition who cannot win POTY because Nate is so
much better is to create some new awards.
Out of the goodness of my heart, I’ll even give you this year’s
winners. Here goes…
The “Ben Smith” Season Underachievement Award: This would go to yours truly. Wow, have I sucked at times this year. And by “times”, I mean, more than half of the time. Going from a POTY finalist in one year to probably barely being an all-star is a surefire way to lock up this award. Somehow, I’m still in the top 7 in every category except average. The rest of you guys must really suck.
Captain of the Year Award: A clear winner, Erin Hayden of Minoriteam takes this one. She doesn’t even need to show up for her team to do well.
The “Ichiro” Award for
Smallball Excellence: Katie Kelly,
who else? The Paris Hilton look a like
is .610, but with only 37 RBI. By
comparison, Mikey “Angry Asian”
How do I think the POTY race will really go down? Well, going into the last week of the season, there are three worthy candidates: Nate Tomko, Terry Shernisky, and Bryan Frankovich. Depending on how week 9 goes down, look for one of the three to win it. Mikey Morocco was starting to make some noise, but since he won’t be there this week, that will eliminate him from contention. He will, however, likely be a finalist because nobody else is doing any better. Rounding out the five finalists could be someone like former POTYs Matt McClelland and Billy Wesiberg, or perhaps Aryn Christman. Again, that’s depending on what happens this week. Don’t expect either of those three, or anybody else in the league, to get serious consideration.
Now that it’s 8:30 on Wednesday (I started this at noon on Tuesday), it’s time I shut up and start drinking. I hope you liked reading my random thoughts. If not, then tough shit. I’ll see you fags later.