The
Friday Hangover
Mac approached me with the idea for today’s column Wednesday
night. So it doesn’t take you half the
column to figure out what it is we’re doing, I feel obligated to inform you
that we’ve listed a handful of the hottest topics in the SBL today. One of us takes one side of the argument, and
the other offers a rebuttal. I also feel
obligated to tell you that the writing for this was done Wednesday night, but
due to laziness, me having other things to do, and me not wanting to post
another original column for this week, I am waiting until today to post
this.
In other news, the final “style points” standings have been
tabulated. I will announce the winner
and loser (like either should be a surprise) in two weeks. Next week, I will reveal what “trophies” will
be presented.
1.
PJ & the Ladies vs. Team Double Stuff
(Playoffs, Round One)
Ben: I’m going to pick PJ & the Ladies to win this series. I’ll take a lineup of Rando, Billy, Jared
Clayton, and Dennis Lackey over Aryn Christman and whatever clusterfuck of a
lineup she can put around her any day of the week. Even without Clayton, the Ladies are plenty
capable. I don’t need to remind anyone
what Dennis Lackey did the last time we were at KY-Court. This team also has veteran grit on its
side. I love Double Stuff, I love Jamie
Fabian and Aryn Christman, but PJ & the Ladies have played well as of late
and have built up a lot of momentum.
Ever since it was suggested that they may miss the playoffs in favor of
Jukebox Hero, a fire has been lit under their ass, a fire that will have to
wait until at least Round Two to be extinguished. Ladies take it in three games.
Mac: Double Stuff. You’ve missed the mark on this one Ben. While
the ladies did overcome Double Stuff last week, the team is entirely different
with Clayton in tow. I usually love to go with experience, but this George kid
is for real. Luckily, the SBL doesn’t have a drug testing program. I also think
that Biddle and the gang have been saving themselves for a postseason
run…didn’t want to burn themselves out.
2.
Nappy Headed Ho’s
vs. Screamin’ Seagulls (Playoffs, Round One)
Mac: Ho’s. The team that only shoots
homeruns faces a traditionally unfriendly homerun court next week. With only
two homeruns really possible, what are lee and terry going to shoot. One of
these weeks, Jon O is just going to pull his hair out, take his dry wit and go
home.
Ben: As sad as it is to say this, but the Nappy
Headed Ho’s are ripe for the picking and the Screamin’ Seagulls are well equipped to pull off a major
upset. If memory serves me correctly, 6th
seeded playoff team has reached the finals twice (2003 and 2005). Last season, the 5th seeded
Bukkake Tsunami made a run to the finals.
They, like the Seagulls, were the lowest seeded playoff team. If recent stumbling by the Ho’s and history
aren’t enough, maybe some homers from Terry Hall and Lee Nespor can do some convincing. This team may not go far in the playoffs, but
they’re certainly capable of pulling off an upset or two.
3.
Nate Tomko vs.
Terry Shernisky (POTY race)
Ben: This is an interesting one. While Nate Tomko does hold a slight edge in
the stats, is anybody paying attention to where they’re coming from? Sure, Nate Tomko has 9 psyche-outs, and
coincidentally, that’s how many times Jamie Moroco has been psyched-out this
year. Sure, Nate Tomko has 101 double
plays, but he has nobody to take any away from him. The rest of the team combined has only
21. Terry has 79 and his team mates have taken approximately twice as many away from him as Nate's team mates. Maybe if the two switched teams, the numbers
would turn out to be different. And what
about the assists? Nate was feasting on
Jukebox Hero like Big Ted does on McDonald’s cheeseburgers (I think Ted’s
actual record was 16…close to Nate’s 15 assists. Coincidence?
I think not!). Both candidates’
teams finished with the same record, only Terry’s team owns the season
series. Also, how many wins do you think
KTO would have without Terry? 3…4?
Any? Well, I don’t know the answer, but
it’s definitely less than the number of victories the Sparkling Wiggles would
have without Nate Tomko. My vote goes to
Terry Shernisky.
Mac: Once again the reigning player of the league
and living legend is hyping another player more than himself. On the offensive
side the race is a push. I‘m a staunch believer that Terry has done more with
less this season. However, here in the SBL we have a Player of the Year Award,
not an MVP award. This change was meant to take many of those subjective ideas
out of the equation. To use these hypotheticals as the tie-breaker in the race
wouldn’t be fair. The real tie breaker has to be the defense, which Tomko won hands-down.
4.
Gavin St. John vs.
Bob Spohn vs. George Kovac vs. Tony Mastrian (ROTY Race)
Mac: I pitty you on
this one Ben. Bob and George haven’t come enough, and rumor has is it that Nate
recently made Tony cry. As much as I hate to admit it, the grandma shoe wearin, emo style hearin, frankovich ass starein kid wins
this one.
Ben: I’m going to have to say “no” to Emo St. John
and go with “empty syringe” George Kovac. There has to be enough anti-Frankovich people
voting to turn away poor Gavin. As much
as I don’t want the association with B. Frank to hurt him, I think that it
will. You will be pitying Gavin on
August 12, not me.
5.
Terry Shernisky
vs. Katie Kelly vs. Terry Hall vs. Jamie Fabian (Chicken Leg Race)
Ben: It’s got to be Jamie Fabian. You can point
out statistics all you want, but in the cases of Sherry, Katie, and Terry Hall,
all they have done this year is better showcase their talents than in
2006. That does not necessarily mean
that they are better players. Jamie
Fabian appears to be a much better player to me than he was last year, making
him the most improved player this season.
Plus, does any other candidate bear a striking resemblance to
He-Man? I think not!
Mac: It’s hard to go
from a decent player in this league to a good player in this league. It’s even
harder to make the jump from good player in this league to being seriously
mentioned in the POTY race with Nate Tomko. I could also quote stat percentage
stats, but that would be too Kip-like.
6.
Hot Fuzz vs. the
Field (SBL Championship)
Mac: Hot Fuzz.
As much as I hate the way they play sometimes, I have to predict
that Frankovich has to make this one count…cause he knows he wont be on a team
this good anytime soon. I think he’s finally gotten it through his head how to
be the man on his team, but still let his team help him. The Sparkling Wiggles
can beat this team, but the loss of Pat Lackey is, to put it mildly, crushing.
KTO could also beat them on a good day, but taking a team with two streaky
shooters (none of which is named mastrian) in a three game series isn’t
something im willing to do.
Ben: It’s the
field. I don’t care what has
happened during the regular season. For
Bryan Frankovich, it’s “new day, same story” to me until he proves
otherwise. Even if he plays well, there
is no guarantee that the rest of his team will be able to step up. Keep in mind that neither Mike Frankovich nor
your Rookie of the Year has played in a game of this magnitude. How will they fare? Not that I wouldn’t mind seeing this team
win. Bryan Frankovich winning his first
SBL title is comparable to losing your virginity. Maybe he’ll be less uptight and learn how to
relax a little once he wins.. Maybe
he’ll get that (or Mikey’s) stick out of his ass and just worry about having
fun once the pressure of winning the “big one” is gone. Oh, what a happy day that will be. Too bad it will be at least one more year
before that happens. As for
7.
Final All-Star
spots (choose one for each side)
Ben: Even though we’ve disagreed through six
pressing SBL issues, you, Matt
McClelland, are my choice for World all-star reserve. You have been quite the solid player and by
missing only two weeks, have certainly surpassed most people’s attendance
expectations. The stat line isn’t bad
either. As for
Mac: Rando and Jaime Moroco. They may not
have the stats of hairy Ben’s two, but these two legends of the game not only show
up week after week, but also make people enjoy baseketball more. No amount of
Frankovich stat-padding does that.
8.
Have PJ & the
Ladies lived up to expectations this season?
Mac: No. Sure, the ladies finished second in
their division and are thick in the playoff hunt. I guess if that’s how PJ and
the Ladies choose to measure success, then they have done well. In a much more
accurate PJ&L way, they have disappointed. One incident in the whole
regular season? Two or three total penalty innings? Wtf. I blame it on the lack
of PJ and Lenny…and the addition of Billy. I love Billy, but in the two years
he has been on the team, it’s been more about striving for consistency and
doing their best every game than hockey fighting and ball-tapping. I guess I’ve
got a fever…and the cure is more hilarity.
Ben: You make a strong case, but I must disagree
here. Gone are days where entire teams
get thrown in the penalty box. We have
seen much laughter from this team, if not for Rando’s shoe throwing, then from Dennis
Lackey’s crazy antics. We knew PJ
wouldn’t be around for the summer, so the expectations couldn’t have been too
high. We have seen some jacking around
from this team in what few situations that it has been appropriate. Therefore, they have lived to the somewhat lowered expectations of PJ & the
Ladies of years past. Plus, how can
I forget this team handing Hot Fuzz its first loss? I only wish I had been there to see it.
9.
Biggest Surprise
of 2007
Ben: Lee Nespor and
Ben Smith combined for only 27 homers? What the hell?! You would expect these two to hit that many
solo shots this season, but it was not to be.
It’s kind of sad actually, when you think about it. Here you have two former home run derby
champions who are shells of their former selves. Booo…booo, I say.
Mac: I have to go
with the Ladies upsetting Hot Fuzz for
their first loss. While it would have been fun to see them screwed later in
the year, this was actually even better. Seeing the usual nickel and dime runs
together ladies beat the fuzz at their own potent offensive game instantly
became one of my favorite games ever. The loss also sent the Hot Fuzz into a
huge tailspin that threatened to tear Mike and Bryan apart. We all knew that
Ben Smith was better in the playoffs. Seeing the ladies all hitting in the same
game is something that was surprising.
10.
Change(s) needed
for 2008
Mac: I’d like to see Terry Shernisky get a haircut. That
sloppy 1960s cut will only get him so far in the POTY race. If I were Katie
Kelly’s dad, I’d much rather have her bring a clean cut all American boy like
Nate. If Terry gets a haircut and a leadoff hitter, he could pose a serious
threat to Nate’s crown.
Ben:
Who gives a damn about haircuts?
I’m 23 and I have a freakin’ bald spot!
What I would really like to see is more
creativity from the league, i.e. better team names and shirts, perhaps
better psyche-out attempts. Half of the
fun of the league comes from these things.
Remember, this league is about having fun first before winning. Let’s not be lame and wear gay looking lime
green tank tops or brown shirts that make you look like a giant turd. Let us also not run around like retards just
to attempt to distract someone. In one of my upcoming columns, I will preview
the 2008 season, including some good team name ideas. Let’s keep this league
fun. I want to enjoy what little time I
have left in the valley. I would also like something done about the
website. I think it’s time for Kippy
and I to put our talents to good use (mainly me since Kip has done a hell of a
job with the stats program) and clean this thing up. Also, I hate Page Builder with a passion.
11.
Are Mikey and Frankovich secret lovers?
Ben: No,
but that’s only because the word “secret” is in that question. While the rumor of Bryan Frankovich planting
his boxers in Mikey’s bedroom in efforts to make Jordana jealous cannot be
proven, it simply doesn’t need to. They
might as well have named their team “The R. Kelly Experience” instead of Hot
Fuzz since they’ve been hiding in the closet for quite some time. Time to come out, boys. Besides, I heard you
two were the original co-stars for Brokeback Mountain, only they fired you
for liking your roles a little too much and being too realistically gay.
Mac: It’s really time to put this
rumor to rest. The facts are that Mike has a hot-ass girlfriend, and
