SBL 2008, WEEK 5
JUNE 15
HOFFA CENTRE
In an
effort to make things a little different this week, the game summaries will be
done by three different writers. And totally from memory.
And with a ton of bias.
This section from the
SBL Write-up Part One (Unless Rando
put his up already, then it’s part two)
Kyoto Kamikazees vs. Voltron:
As BASEketballers and fans alike poured into the sold
out Hoffa Center last Sunday the 15th, Kamikazee
(sic) captain and chopstick extraordinaire Mike Moroco
shocked reporters when he told them that his 1-7 team would go 2-0 this week.
In a week where he was already chasing history to become only the fifth player
in Shenangahela BASEketball
League history to reach the 100-homerun milestone, the spotlights were on Moroco to not suck like his team has this season. To do
this (not suck, that is), he was going to have to defeat a quality 6-2 Voltron team while playing shorthanded yet again. The game
started a lot like how anyone would expect this matchup
to transpire as Voltron jumped out to a quick lead as
the Kamikazees failed to get the motor going. Jewberg and company were rolling until Moroco’s
fighter jet caught ablaze and began to nosedive right at Voltron’s
base, but not before Moroco got in the record book
another way – by hitting all three homers in an inning (which was almost broken
as Moroco missed his 4th homer of the inning after
the Kamikazees cleared the board). The barrage
continued, albeit in less damaging fashion as the Kamikazees
out-japped Voltron to get
their second win of the season. For the Kamikazees, Moroco hit six homers, psyched out some chump, and drove in
a good amount of runs as Chris Pacsi played the role
of the unsung hero, hitting a shit load of shots and tipping in several double
plays. Jeanne Mentrek also boosted her average to
help her team rise against. For the losing Voltron –
Fuck ‘em.
Laser Cats vs. Jukebox Heros
Anyone who’s anyone knew that this came would be close
until the last psyche out was attempted. Whoops,
thought I read “Oatcake Hate Monsters vs. Voltron.”
Well, this game wasn’t as boring as you might think. As the best team in the
league squared up with the worst, The Laser Cats limped out of the gate to fail
to hit a shot until the 2nd inning (and the possible MVP duo Nate Tomko and
Terry Shernisky waiting until the 3rd to sink one).
With a mediocre Jukebox Squad on the other side of the ball, it would only be a
matter of time until the cats with the laser coming out of their mouth to heat
up and find a karaoke machine to hit up. It’s anyone’s guess how many shots the
Cats hit, but we both know that they probably hit quite a few. And while the
Heroes didn’t embarrass themselves against the Kings of the Hill, they didn’t
impress nobody, neither. We’ll guess Nate and Terry
did well: have a few homers, drove in a few and had a handful of double plays.
Bob Spohn did pretty good as well, even though he
played the tough part of having to make two/three outs per inning while the
stars were hot (a small price to pay for playing for the dark side). The
players on the heroes did alright, I suppose: I know Lockovich
did pretty good, Gillshire (whom is humorously known
to the SBL as a name that isn’t even his) didn’t do that great but I like him
anyway, after Moroco hit two homers to bring his
career mark to 99 started shooting underhand, and I don’t remember who else
suited up in the yellow mesh in this barnburner.
Kyoto Kamikazees vs. Jukebox Hero
With tough competition Voltron out of the way, Moroco looked a little less stupid about his bold
prediction, and unless stand in president (and fellow Axis power) Nat Tokmo (because the real president couldn’t find time to
make it to the contest) gave the Kamikazees a stacked
team to play, the sports world could give Moroco’s
team the ol’ dubya. WRONG.
In Kamikazee fashion, the Kyotes
don’t even field enough players to matchup against an albeit good looking Jukebox team. Though in the spirit of
the league (and so Moroco could pass the 100 homer
milestone that he waited to get in this game), Tokmo
allowed Moroco to choose any player to join his
brigade to play a friendly match against the only other team that really sucks.
And of course Moroco chose Opie
Neff (who you may remember hit the walk off homer in what may be the biggest
choke, I mean comeback in SBL history when the Fleshy Funbridges
overcame a 13 run [13 mother fucking runs] deficit in 3 innings at the KY Court
just 3 weeks ago) because he’s cool like that. Anyway, the Kamikazees
did what anyone would have done in the situation they were in – shoot three
solo homers to start every inning. In summary – because,
really, does anyone give a shit about this game? – Moroco
hit his 100th and a few more, Pacsi hit some, too,
and so did Opie. All the while, the Jukebox Heroes,
led by the Sharon Lady Tiger duo Aryn Cristman and Katie Kelly (who won a 2 out of 3 menage a trois scrum against the Kamikazee trio [sub note: Captain Mike Moroco
was the only one to come out on top {super sub note: no pun intended}]) managed
to score a few runs, but not enough to make this already dull matchup any less aging. Kelly and Cristman
probably both hit a ton of shots as they normally do, until Moroco
made fun of Mac, psyching out a concerned Aryn Cristman in the process, ending the game on her airball (a possible new love quest for Mac? [run and hide, Aryn, run. And
hide.]). Their teammates may or may not have done well and I frankly don’t give
a shit, so neither should you (if you are one of these teammates, I sincerely
apologize).
This section from the Fleshy Funbridges’ Rando Knight
laser cats - a bunch
fleshy funbridges - not so many
this game started off pretty slow, with jamie moroco being the only one who could make a shot in the
first few innings. but then, as often happens with the
cats, they suddenly exploded around the third inning and started scoring like
it was their job. (now that i
think about it, i guess it is kinda
their job). the funbridges
however stayed pretty cold (the ff aren't quite as good at their jobs), except
for moroco, who i don't
believe missed a shot til the last inning. with the
cats continuing to pile on runs and the ff continuing to struggle, big rando did the only thing he knows how to do in that
situation, which is try to end the game early with some well timed shoe
throwing and other antics. much to his dismay
(although i'm sure he enjoyed it too) the refs
completely ignored the shenanigans and failed to give big rando
even 1 penalty. even after knocking a shernisky home run off course with a beautifully times shoe
throwing. big rando's
shenanigans did prove helpful in slowing the cats down a little, but
unfortunately he couldn't manage to rally his troops to put any runs on the
board. i don't remember if it went all 9 or not, but
there's no way it should have
for the winners, tomko, shernisky
and spohn all combined for a pretty damn good game to
put a whuppin on the poor funbridges
for the losers jamie moroco
only missed 1 shot, but unfortunately nobody else could do much to help
queens of the rest-stop reacharound
- 4
banana democracy - 3 (i think)
with captain
for the winners, aryn christman had a decent game after she decided to abandon
the solo homer or nothing approach about halfway through. big
rando and stud failed to make a shot after the first
inning, probably because it's a lot harder to make a solo homer with aryn christman on base.
fleshy funbridges - ?
queens of the rest-stop reacharound
- ?-1
by the time this one started stud had left and aryn christman was the lone queen in attendance, giving the funbridges a win by forfeit. a
jukebox team was assembled to take their place in a game played just for stats.
i don't remember a whole lot
about this game, except that big rando, realizing he
was only about 40 homers away from 100 decided to shoot nothing but homers all
game (he made 2). what i do
remember is that the funbridges entered the bottom of
the 9th down by 2. with opie
neff leading off captain big rando
did what everyone should do in that situation and commanded opie
to shoot the solo homer to tie it up. after opie tied it up with his solo homer it was big rando's turn. since for some
reason, it's way easier for big rando to make a walk
off homer than just a regular homer, he drained his for a solo shot-solo shot
come from behind win.
i don't have the stat book
at my disposal so i really have no idea who had a
good game for either team
And these final
two are from me, Nate, of the best team in the universe- the Laser Cats
VOLTRON 15
OATCAKE 16
National leading Voltron. The
Oatcake Hate Monsters, owners of the second best record in the SBL. Something had to give.
Unfortunately for Billy Weisberg and his band
of merry Kennedy boys, it was the ‘Tron in this one,
as they once again folded like Rando in a heads up
poker game in the face of adversity. As
they did a few weeks ago when they played the laser cats- another of the league’s
elite- the usually high-octane Voltron offense went
into a coma for much of the game, as only a last-inning five-spot kept this
from being just another beatdown.
From what I remember, Oatcake scored just
about every run in the first two or three innings. Also what I remember is Mac banking home a
lot of shots, all from the middle row, Katie Kelly wearing a hole in the left
double stripe, and Terry Hall doing little more than holding them back. He’s overrated, and frankly I want to paint
my tongue black for even mentioning him as a player of the year hopeful. I think Terry Schiavo
has as good a chance as Terry Hall. (boo my team, will
you)
Anyway, after Oatcake screwed off for pretty
much the last six innings and Voltron finally pulled
their shit together in the end, Katie Kelly drove home Matt Mcclelland
with- what else- a left double to give OHM the win.
My guess at the stats:
Mcclelland: 10 for 13, 7 rbi
KK: 10
for 14, 5 rbi
Terry Hall:
3 airballs and a few double plays
Gavin St. John: 7 for 13, 2 homers and 5 rbi
Billy Weis:
5 for 12 with 45 boxouts
OATCAKE DEFEATS THE BANANA DEMOCRACY
Chuck muszik showed up, which was nice for the democracy. Unfortunately, team captain kippy did not.
It wouldn’t have mattered, because I just
don’t see Mr. Kip and his .245 batting average turning this one around. It was a shellacking. I’ll spare you the agonizing details. But I’m
pretty sure the BD got their first and only runs… and hits… on a Dennis Lackey
7th inning homerun.
Stats:
Katie:
15 left doubles and I think she might have had an assist in this one
Mac:
some double plays and some rbi
Terry Hall:
(I’m gonna look up the stats for this one….
Hold tight. Ah, here we go. And amazing 3 for 14.
Dennis:
one 2-run homer
Gillshire: another lost scrum