As I'm writing this, meetings are being held which could very well decide the fate of our beloved Pittsburgh (for now?) Penguins. I'm sure most of you know has gone down already this week with the letter Mario Lemieux wrote claiming that he will be agressively searching for a relocation spot. Here is a link to a kdka.com article which contains the links to both parts of that letter. A lot of us may be thinking that Mario is just playing games with Governor Rendell, and very well may be true. The possibilty of Pittsburgh losing the Penguis is sad, and tha decision could be made by the time I finish this article. (Just in case you haven't figured it out, I'm writing this on Thursday...no Friday work + 6.5 boring hours of Thursday work = Thursday article) Oh well, we still have the Buccos.
Since I'm writing this article for the SBL website, I suppose I should actually talk about something going down in this league. Unless you're blind, an idiot, or only come to the site to read my article (something which I couldn't blame you for), you would have noticed that teams are beginning to form. Emperor President Tomko made the captains last week, and now each team has two additional players. By Sunday, each team will have its fourth and final player heading into the March 18 draft. Some of the marquee names already put on teams include Katie Kelly, Matt McClelland, Mikey Morocco, the brothers Lackey, and Terry Hall. Some of the names not yet on a roster (but will almost surely be by Sunday) include Nate Tomko, Terry Shernisky, Billy Weisberg, and Shelley Goodpastor. Now, if you want a serious, heavy-duty analysis about the teams and where they stand thus far, then you might want to write your own article. If you want a brief, yet solid take on the teams and some speculation about where the big names may go that haven't been assigned a team yet, with some smart-ass comments and a Frankovich insult of two thrown in for good measure, then you've come to the right place, my friend. Even if not, you might as well keep on reading. You're already here.
Keep in mind that I'm listing these teams in the order they're listed on the 2007 page. There is no bias when it comes to that. You can find it in the rest of the article, thank you very much.
Team Aryn Christman: Ever wondered what would have happened had Ms. Christman been traded to xDeathx in 2004? If you're like me and couldn't sleep, you can now. Also, this team marks the reuinion of Jon Biddle and Ben Elliott. How touching. All sarcasm aside, Biddle and Big Whitey are two pretty good players, especially on the defensive end. One would assume that Christman would have to carry her offensive load, and that assumption may be correct. Just keep in mind that Jon Biddle did once hit seven homers in a game, which is only one less than my personal best for a single contest. That's pretty good. An ideal fourth player for this squad would be another offensive threat, but since this is an xDeathx reuinion we're talking about here (and Kippy is off with another team), I'm going to suggest that Dank be the man here. Possible team names include Train on Aryn Christman...Literally or possibly bringing back the old xDeathx name, but add some more letters to the "wsac" acronym. Something like xDeathx/wsacwgbac (pronounced "wee-sack-wig-back) might work. Of course, the acronym stands for "We Smoke A lot of Cigerattes While Gang Banging Aryn Christman". I would like to point out that this is only a name and Aryn Christman would have to approve of such an activity and be at the proper age of conesent. The SBL in no way, shape, or form condones such disgusting behavior.
Team Bryan Frankovich: Unoficially named "Team Bitch", here you have a squad who may be an early season favorite to win it all. If I were put on this team, I would take comfort in already knowing my fate: losing to Team Ben Smith (or whatever he'll end up calling it) in the playoffs. So far, Mikey Morocco and Mike Frankovich know their fate. First, Mikey Morocco is a fast rising up and coming talent who could very well vault himself into the Player of the Year Mix come August. Then you have Mike Frankovich, another up and coming talent who is less likely to be in the Player of the Year mix, but should make positive contributions nonetheless. The only two things this team is lacking so far are a good scrummer and a true leadoff hitter. Matt McClelland would take care of both, but he's taken already taken, so only or the other can be taken here. A good fit would be Jamie Morocco or Shelley Goodpastor, since this person need not play defense. Then, B-Frank would draft someone for scrumming. My money is on Jamie Morocco, giving this team two Moroccos and two Frankoviches (or perhaps, Frankovii). Stud Frankovich is another suggestion for this team to take care of scrumming, although it's more likely that he's in the pool on draft day.
Team Ben Smith: Yes, the preview all of you have been waiting for. Everybody's favorite team, captained by everybody's favorite player (unless you happen to be Bryan Frankovich) looks to be another favorite this year. Yours truly has been paired with one player whom he knows very well (Matt McClelland) and one whom he doesn't (Ray Cataline). With Matt McClelland, this team gets a good scummer, solid defender, and excellent leadoff hitter (who need not worry about venturing outside the double line very often, making him even more dangerous as a hitter). He may miss a couple weeks, but as long as he's around for the playoffs (which he said he would be in last week's interview), that may be all that matters. With Ray Cataline, this team gets another solid scrummer and defender, who should be reliable and could add another deep threat. What this team needs now is another reliable player and some speed. Billy Weisberg fits the bill perfectly, so the two of us may have to shake hands and put our rivalry on hold for a year for bigger and better things. That would make two Players of the Year to go with their two Rookies of the Year (crappy English, but you get it). Maybe not, but hey, we can all get excited in knowing that the "Train On" franchise may be back with me as captain again (yes, it's a franchise, as of...right now). If only there were a certain SBL superstar's girlfriend still out there, who will probably be in the draft day mix. Hhhmmmmm......Tara! Train on Rando's Girlfriend! Choo! Choo!
Team Lee Nespor: The middle Nespor sure has himself two good players to build his team around. Terry Hall had a pretty good year in 2006. So good, in fact, that he was named to the second team All-Americans in the SBL. That's a pretty good accomplishment. Hall seems to do everything well, although attendance may be an issue at times. Jon Olsavsky, has some attendance issues as well, but he's a great player when he comes. There isn't much this man can't do, except maybe make a shot without hitting the backboard first, but that doesn't seem to matter. What matters is this may be a force to be reckoned with if all can play to their potential and show up every week. A darkhorse team in 2007? Maybe. A good fourth player here is Shelley Goodpastor. This team desperately needs a leadoff hitter. Jamie Morocco is another good fit, but since I put her on Frankovich's team, I can't put her here, now can I? That just wouldn't make sense! A reliable player is also needed, so a third possibility is the youngest Nespor, Patrick. What this also does is ensure that young Patrick will not be on the same team as any of his Bukkake Tsunami team mates from last year. Think Germany after World War Two and how they had to split it up, because like Germany, had the Tsunami won, the world would never be the same.
Team Kip Corbett: With Tony Mastrian, this team is the clear favorite in any Yuengling drinking contest. However, this is baseketball, but lucky for Kip, Tony may also be pretty good at that. He's a former high school basketball player. Sure, he went to Hickory, but usually, former high shcool players do well. Tony is also an early Rookie of the Year frontrunner. Then, you have Gregory Lackey...the youngest Lackey...the one without the feathery hair...the one still in high school. Yeah, he's all of those, plus a pretty decent basketball player. Although this means that the three Lackeys will not be on the same team this year, the tears in my eyes are stopped by the fact that the youngest Lackey makes a pretty good fit here as a leadoff hitter. Actually, no they're not. I really wanted the three Lackey's on a team!!! Ok, enough bitching by me. This team needs one big superstar. Terry Shernisky, anyone?
Team Big Rando: Come on...why don't they just call themselves PJ & the Ladies already? You know what you get with PJ Nespor and Big Rando Knight: two goofy guys fighting the "man" (the facist Nate Tomko). I would assume that this is not the team in 2005 that got serious and won the championship. I would also assume that this is not Rando's knockoff version who almost won last year. Those two were not your daddy's PJ & the Ladies. I would expect this version to be. To further this point is the addition of Dennis Lackey, another goofy guy who has a lot of talent and can definately get the job done should the Commies decide to try for a week or two. A good addition to this team would be none other than former PJ & the Ladies regular, Lenny Christ. Yes, he's the captain of Jukebox Hero, but come on, he can still be on a real team. There is no better fit for him than this one. There is not listed team record for psyche outs in a season, but if there were, a team with Rando, PJ, Dennis, and Lenny would be sure to break it. Hell, they might combine for as many psyche outs as they do homers. You could say that their psyche out total may even match my homer total, but don't be rediculous. I'm not going to kiss their asses here.
Team Danielle Hennon: Here is Danielle's second attempt at being an SBL captain. Her first venture didn't go so well last year, with her Cashdollar and Associates losing to Bukkake Tsunami in the play-in game. With Katie Kelly and Pat Lackey already added to this team, her fortunes may change for the better this year. We may not be talking SBL champions here, but definately better than the worst non-Jukebox Hero team. Also, her sleeping with the SBL President can really help her get her new rule across. If you haven't heard of it, Danielle and Katie are requesting a rule that lets you shoot singles up to three times in an inning. Otherwise, one of them may need to venture to the double line or (gulp!) the triple line. Lucky for them, they have Pat Lackey who will shoot his rainbow shot from anywhere on the court, and sometimes even make it! Since I haven't mentioned his name yet, this team seems like a good place to put Nate Tomko. He would really bring this team together, with the defense and outside shooting they so desperately need, especially if Pat Lackey can't be around this summer. He's the type of player who can take them from being pretenders to being contenders.
With all that said, it is very hard to judge where players would end up. Sure, I can give you a best match, but ultimately, it's up to the SBL top brass to decide. If they want to help your team, consider it done. If they want to screw your team up, then prepare to be screwed badly. That's all I can say about that
Well, no updates on the fate of the Penguins just yet. If anything important happens, I'll be sure to add in their fate before posting this article. If not, then too damn bad. Have a great weekend! Adios!