| 1- RETURN OF THE WEENISES WON'T REACH THE 8-WIN PLATEAU THIS SEASON |
| 6- STUD FRANKOVICH NEEDS TO PLAY IN AT LEAST 10 GAMES THIS SEASON FOR THE BROOKLYN BRIDGES TO FINISH OUTSIDE OF THE BOTTOM 3 |
| 3- PJ & THE LADIES VS. .R.O.T.W. IS GETTING ALL THE HYPE, BUT IT'S NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE WEEKEND |
| 4- WITH A SOLID TEAM AROUND HIM, MATT MCCLELLAND WILL BECOME THE FIRST PERSON TO WIN BACK TO BACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS IN 2005 |
| 5- SOMEONE WILL HIT 50 HOMERUNS THIS SEASON |
| 2- JARED CLAYTON WILL BE DEALT OFF PJ&L'S ROSTER BY THE START OF SUNDAY'S GAMES |
| FACT : Call me old fashion, but I'm from that old school of clasical thought that believes that a successful sporting team generally needs talent to win games. The Weenises are pretty shitty, no doubt about it, and if we ever actually see the ween again, it would be miraculous on a level with water-walking, leper-curing, and fat people getting thin. Notice that Jesus rarely partook of the latter, and he refused to divulge the secrets of botox, even when drunk. This team has the outside shot of playing well due to good team chemistry or if Jamie Moroco shows up to at least one game sober. It will be interesting to see how a psyche out based team (the first ever) could be converted into offensive merit, whether dennis lackey can carry all 500 pounds of his starting lineup on his back, and if that Sherry kid has the brass balls the girlies are all screaming for. Terry Shernisky, all the girlies, they just love you. Maybe Lenny will find his shot again this year (he did pretty good last year, near the end if you'll recall), and his rbi numbers will reach the impressive elevation of his bitches-banged numbers, and Danielle will bat .900 and do a lot of cartwheels, but, no, they'll probably be ass. Seeing as how the starting lineup doesn't have any douches on it, I'm going to have to wish this team the best, but wishing to be good rarely works. There's no god, after all, and your parents don't love you. |
| FICTION : It would really break my heart if Clayton got traded, until at least after one week's worth of hazing. Though I really like Jared Clayton, the human being, I can definitely get behind some moderate discontent with Jared Clayton, the baseketball player. Bailing out on your team is a super-fag move in the league with fucking your girlfriend's mom and then getting beaten up by your girl before creative writing. And having an egg-shaped head. Thus, it would be highly entertaining/befitting to see the Pjs assigning certain bench-warmer duties to Andrew Dice Clayton. Massages, ointment application, bunion-manacuring, and titty-fucking are all not out of the question. JARED CLAYTON MUST BE MADE TO SCRUM. I've seen Seth Salcedo scrum. I've seen Bryan Frankovich scrum. I've seen Jon Biddle scrum when he was too high to jog in a straight line. I think I've even seen Cassie Pyle scrum, but I don't know if I've ever seen Jared Clayton scrum. Rumor has it that buttsex plays pj+l this week, so I'm calling it right here : GIVE ME CLAYTON. We all know I'm not a violent scrummer. I really don't even like doing it. But I want to see the man enter the ring just once, and I'd be more than happy to meet him over top of that little, orange orb. No violent hoopla, just a simple foot race to pay back the atrocities committed to this great league. If you lose, I'm kicing you in the dick. |
| FACT : Let's extrapolate : I believe that the first week of this season, is NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL. Apart from finally getting to play for the first time in 6 or 7 months and the joy of seeing some cats I haven't seeen in a long time, the first week of baseketball predicts NOTHING. Season 1 : As with most weeks, the Ass Clowns put on a clinic in week one, the Naacp look like ass with the most dismal starting lineup in history. Last week of the season : Ass Clowns fall to Naacp, first-time sbl champions. I always get seasons two and three confused : Season 3 : Remember how awesome the milfs and nads were at the start of that year? It was pure dominance. Hey, guess who ended up in the finals : neither. Last year : Serbs' record after week 1 : 1-1, definitely not a record-setting performance. The moral of this fable : pj+l will be an important team to keep an eye on this year, and will have a good shot at year-end glory, and we'll get our first look at their team mechanics in week one (as with all the other teams), but we don't really get to see what teams are made of until further into the season, when that immediate first-week thrill of baseketball has simmered down a bit and things like attendance, outside obligations, and sobriety become issues. Its at that point when the games really start to matter and we start getting some true insight into the spirit of this year's crop of teams. Until we reach that point, we're all just crackalackalackans on the 4th street of heaven. |
| Fiction : Solid like a Chevy, maybe. I just can't give Happy and Mailman Jr. the nod as the best couple this year. Sure they look great on the red carpet, but Tomberg have more flare and style. I will continue my kicking and screaming that the alleviation of the no-pass-on-tip-in rule will greatly benefit that union, and make Billy twice as valuable as he was without it. Timex to Rolex, sonnie. One of the two will be making asstronomical shooting numbers while the other will break the assist record halfway through the season, depending on which bats first. I see Nate getting the player of the year, but both of them being nominated (as usual). Matt seems to be able to get along with most anyone as a teammate, but I really think that being unable to throw Bryan into trashcans will detract from his enthusiasm this year. Maybe he can find a better nemesis. Who knows? In fact, seeing as how they're the two most-likelys as of this writing, it'd be nice to see a bit of heat (sexual or otherwise) spark up between happy and his former teammate. There's nothing better than the best in the business tongue-lashing (or bathing) one another. Personally, I'm not stopping any fights this year. I want to see some kid get his dome kicked in. I'll take pictures and put them on a t-shirt. "I saw Nate choke out Rando and all I got was this lousey shirt." |
| Fiction : 2.25/game or whatever seems too excessive when you figure that any team with a shot like that will probably only spend 6 innings on the court. It's a possibility with Nate shooting and Billy tipping, but I see more conserative play from Nate at the plate, opting to be available on base instead of attempting the coup de graces. Additionally, unless Elyssa never shows, Ted won't be playing a full year, and even if he did, he's getting a gut shot the second he steps beyond the triple line. We have a few wild cards who may become gunners, (Mckendry comes to mind), but I think the half century mark will have to wait for another season. Potential irony : I break 50 homeruns, in all its unliklihood, and piss on my own words. Fuck you, Jon. Yeah, fuck you too! |
| FICTION : I will admit whole-heartedly that the smith-moroco-kelly trio will be a unique sight (and could you imagine the offspring - a kinda hot asian nespor), but, assuming they can actually function successfully on a baseketball court together, I feel they're solid without Stud. Ben Smith - homeruns, Mike Moroco - triples, Katie Kelly - doubles, and the game is over, very similar to the thoroughfare that Donkeypunch put on in the finals that other year. I don't know about being at the top of the ladder, but they definitely won't be at the bottom. Let's look ahead to a fourth seeded playoff spot. Oh, wait, there are more playes on their team? Nevermind, 6th place, tops. I wish Ben Smith was on my team. |
| BONUS : 22 DOLLARS IS FAR TOO MUCH TO PAY FOR A BASEKETBALL JERSEY |
| FACT : 6 white t-shirts : 5 dollars. 1 black marks-a-lot marker : 1.5 dollars. ------myrtle |
| FACT OR FICTION 2005 courtesy of catdaddy and hawthorne *THESE REPLIES BY JON OLSAVSKY |