| FACT OR FICTION with nate and jon |
| 1) DANK ELLY IS THE BEST ROOKIE IN THE SBL |
| fact. considering the rest of the sbl rookies are rather shat-oriented, this isn't a tough maneuver. he's pretty good, anyway, and has impressive nostrils. i would, though, like to bring up a conjecture at this time: clearly big ted has slabbed a pretty solid addition onto his belly girth. does this mean that we could consider big ted a "rookie" if he has enough new fat on him to equal the weight of the slimmest sbler? that would be like adding a |
| fiction. dank isn't even the best rookie on xdeathx. and tho anne carine is a remarkable young talent both on and off the sbl court, it isn't her either. the best rookie in the league is the little-discussed billy picciotto. he's quietly put up a great first three weeks and has done so on a gimpy ankle. once he heals up, he'll be one of the ten best players in the sbl. but he certainly could stand to loosen up a little. dank would be second, tho |
| 2) THE INJURY OF BEN ELLIOTT WILL NOT HURT XDEATHX |
| fact. well, at least not in terms of wins and losses. he hasn't really played much yet, so it's not like they're used to having his big bat or thunderous defensive presence out there, but they'll be missing a lot of fan support without their most loveable player on the court. no, wait. they have betts. nevermind, they won't miss him at all. |
| fiction: need i point out that sean hood already has one sbl trophy under his belt? clearly, then, his clone would have similair experience at the top, so it has to be just a matter of time before he's dunking grand slams. plus he's a pretty nice guy. the rest of ball-sac is just too grumpy. you ever look into biddle's eyes? he oozes malevolence. too many drugs, i'd say. |
| 3) SHELLY GOODPASTOR IS NO LONGER THE BEST FEMALE PLAYER IN THE SBL |
| fiction. the gap has closed a bit...i'll ignore the high school girl comment...with elysa farrell having a monster early season and the stellar play of rookie katie kelly, but make no mistake about it: shelly is a man, err...well, a girl amongst...ah, screw it. shelly's real fuckin' good. |
| fiction- no way. she could whoop jamie or elysa in a cock-sucking contest any day of the week. she's okay at baseketball. one day, she'll complete her training with nate and become the first girl in the league to successfully shoot double-play balls. even before that, she'll beat our the other hussies in the league hands down. i'd do her. braces are hot. |
| 4) THE SHORT BUS ALL-STARS WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS |
| ugh, this is the toughest one yet. i'm going fiction. my heart wants to say yes, but deep down i just know that they'll get beat for the 4th and final spot by soul-selling lucky roll hoosier daddy. it's a shame, too, billy deserves to make the playoffs, if not for sticking around the league for so long, then for playing for this team. tho it would be funny to see ted get pissed off again. |
| fiction. i can't even remember another player on that team besides ted. he literally "overshadows" the others in my mind...oh yeah, billy, that's right. i really think this may be the year billy stops coming. he'll just pop in after ted's games are over and end up heading up the jukebox squad every week. poor billy. i'd trade myself for him just so he could play on a good team for once. anyway, ted's taking a short bus to a quick elimination. |
| 5) PJ & THE LADIES WILL BEAT BOTH SHORT BUS AND JUKEBOX HERO THIS WEEK |
| 6) THE SERBIAN JEW DOUBLE BLUFFS WON'T LOSE ANOTHER REGULAR SEASON GAME |
| fiction, though i'd be happy if it turns out i'm wrong. it's just too hard to win games when so much can go wrong. good players miss weeks, people have simultaneous horrific games, referee's screw the favorites, the other team plays way above themselves, overinflated egos, underinflated baseketballs, shelly and mcclelland die fuckin', god hates purple, etc. just don't expect one of those to happen very often. |
| fact, unless nate gets pulled away for another week and the other folks can't hold their shit together (like week one). we didn't even play hard this last week, and we killed everything that moved. granted, we were all there, but come on, nate didn't even play more that 7 innings. we should start handicapping ourselves. i'd be all for dizzy-bat baseketball, as long as i could play topless. |
| we make 6 statements. two of the sbl's most influential members must decide fact from fiction, then they'll let us all in on what affected their choice. seen sportcenter? then you know how this works. playing this week are three-time all star and former player of the year jon olsavsky and sbl president nate tomko, both of the serbian jew double bluffs. nate's answers appear on the left, jon's on starboard. |
| fact. i'm not sure if lenny's going, but if he missed and esenwein still doesn't go, and rando's pretty drunk, i change my vote. i sort of miss being on the ladies. as much as i like my new home, it's just so easy being a bluff. i sorta like the challenge of being a communist in a facist world. oh well. they'll win this week, though, you betcha, watch for some time in the near future, a certain ladies sympathizer (i won't mention any names) will end up on this team. it's going to happen, and it will be the most awesome thing in the world. he belongs on the ladies, i don't care what anyone says. give up your competitiveness and responsibilities for one year, nate, and indulge yourself.. |
| fiction. i'm supremely confident they'll win one of 'em, tho. i'm not sure which one they'll blow (probably their second), but this team is good enough to beat either jukebox or the all-stars. what they aren't good enough to do is win twice in a week. it's only happened 7 times in 30 some tries (5 if you take away the two forfeit wins at the end of 2003). they don't have the attention span for two wins in two games. stipulations: joel shows up, they lose both. esenwein shows up, they win both. |